Honorable Mention: Ms. Norbury
I don’t give a damn about Tina Fey’s politics. She’s smart, sexy, and successful. Those three things are essential, and the fact that Mrs. George was able to beat the rap for allegedly selling narcotics just makes her hotter. Don’t act like you didn’t want to bang a teacher in high school. It’s natural.
4. Cady Heron (Lindsay Lohan)
Just a trainwreck of a human. Being manipulative and insecure isn’t even the worst of your problems if you’re a redhead. Sure, she might fuck like a lioness in heat (Africa joke, peasants), but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s absolutely terrifying to behold. Fiery hair and a tendency to spiral out of control was a surprisingly accurate forecast for the remainder of Lohan’s career, and she encapsulated it all in the course of her first true American classic. She’d be fun for a short time, then you’d be waking up to a knife and some hot wax. If you’re in to that, this is your number one.
3. Gretchen Wieners (Lacey Chabert)
This is hard for me, because Lacey Chabert is a stone cold fox and I have a thing for chicks who claim to be Asian. A stellar body and all that cold hard cash from her dad still doesn’t detract from the fact that Gretchen Wieners is a fucking psycho. Aside from the fact that her last name is “Wieners” (which is hilarious), this chick has way too much baggage in that hair of hers. She’d be dishing your business to her sisters the second you missed a text or prematurely ejaculated. Avoid the Gretchens, holmes. These girls will cry in your car and then key it a week after you meet them. It’s just how a neurotic mess operates. Great ass, though.
2. Regina George (Rachel McAdams)
Sure, hot blondes are great. If you’re slamming the HBIC on campus, though, you’re just looking at becoming a second fiddle like Kanye or Jay-Z. Throw in more crippling insecurity (serious running theme with these ladies) and we’re looking at a lose-lose for anyone with half a brain. Don’t get me wrong, Rachel McAdams is one of the finest ladies on planet Earth. She plays a damn fine psycho as well, but if we’re purely looking at characters, then she’s just not the cream of the crop. Also, those princess types typically enjoy dead fishing in the sack. Boring.
1. Karen Smith (Amanda Seyfried)
Some people have a specific “type” they go for. Doe eyes, a killer pair of Lewinskis, and a great disposition is mine. Add the fact that she has the fewest (but best) lines in the entire flick, and you’re looking at the ultimate casual slam. Sure, she might not be able to do basic math, but that doesn’t mean you can’t pull a meteorologist and see if it’s raining. All in all, K. Smith rises to the top of this batshit batch of womenfolk.
Gentlemen, I’ll see you in Hell.
Ladies, shoot me death threats on Twitter @TFM_Karl..
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