Our latest batch of TFM Interns are currently on their fourth week of helping us manage the site. Well, technically it’s only their third week of actually helping us out, as three out of the four of them didn’t show up to work two weeks ago. I’d have fired all their delinquent asses on the spot if our CEO Madison didn’t think “it was my spring break” was such a good excuse. A little side note on MadDog: I love the guy — because he pays my salary — but sometimes the dude’s too soft. Every time I bring up “Rush Gooch” as an idea for a photo gallery on TSM or suggest a “QUEEF FOR ME BITCH” shirt for Rowdy Gentleman, he’s never having any of it. Always kicks me right out of the conference room because apparently “the door was closed for a reason” and my words “offend potential investors.” His loss.
I recently decided that this crop of ‘terns (I call them that because it sounds delightfully close to “turds”) have proven themselves to be as competent as any
slave free laborers I’ve encountered in my day, and thus I’m allowing them all some recognition on the site.
Meet Intern Craig:
That is a photo I just took of Intern Craig without his knowledge. I like looking at it because the power trip I get while watching him do work that I’ve personally assigned to him is a better feeling than the soft caress of a Sharpie on the perineum… Sorry about that; I must just have Rush Gooch on the mind now.
Let’s get to know ol’ Craig.
Name: Craig Heiser III
School: Southwestern University in G-Tine, Texas
Fraternity: Phi Delta Theta, Texas Gamma
We understand you’re on your university’s football team?
Here’s my situation: For now, I’m essentially a 19-year-old glorified backup quarterback for a D3 school with a student body of 1,500, which looks even more depressing typed out than it usually sounds. However, I do have an icy “Conference Championship” ring for winning the 2016 SCAC championship; a conference comparable to the SEC or Big Ten talent-wise. I’m also a high jumper for Southwestern, so if you’re 6’5″ or under I could theoretically jump over you (note: tried this in high school with a friend, gave him a gnarly concussion). Also, I run the Southwestern D3 intramural scene (about as competitive as it sounds) with the help of my team, The Pickles, who have won a championship in every sport except soccer because soccer is stupid. Freak athlete? Maybe. Mediocre college athlete who performs at a very low level but looks decent because everyone else is a scrub? Yeah, probably.
Tell us about how you would’ve gone D1 if you hadn’t broken your collarbone back in high school.
A lot of people ask me, “Craig, you’re so talented and good looking and smart and funny and your hair is phenomenal, plus you can throw a football farther than Dillon; why aren’t you playing D1 football at like an Alabama or a Clemson?”
Well, let me tell you: I broke my collarbone twice in one season as a sophomore in high school (The Woodlands), and just wasn’t really able to recover and play at the same level. The fact that I’m a very mediocre athlete, a pretty average quarterback in general, and should have probably played golf instead doesn’t help either.
Dillon, who is not/was never a college quarterback, thinks he can throw a football farther than you, a college quarterback. Thoughts?
Dillon once beat a D1 Rice quarterback in a “throw-off,” so he shouldn’t stand a chance against a less talented, weaker D3 quarterback. But on the off chance he does beat me, I have a plethora of tried and true excuses as to why I’m not throwing well (you learn a lot of these when you’re a pretty average QB), so I’m not too stressed about it.
What’s a night out on the town in fabulous Georgetown, Texas like?
I can actually provide a chronological timeline as to what a night in Georgetown usually consists of:
(7:30 p.m.) Finish track practice, consider playing Xbox in my room for the rest of the night but don’t because I’m not a nerd.
(7:45 p.m.) Receive the most important text of the night: “Chili’s, 8:30, we bout to kill some margs and Triple Dippers” (note #2: Chili’s is my favorite restaurant in the world, and if you don’t like it or think you’re too good for it, you’re wrong and also the scum of the earth).
(8:37 p.m.) 3 baskets of chips and queso in, Triple Dippers ordered, PIKEs sitting on the their side of the restaurant being heckled, margs being consumed. This night is shaping up to be pretty solid.
(9:45 p.m.) We have spent entirely too much time at Chili’s and the management is getting sick of our weekly shenanigans, but they aren’t able to ban us because we account for nearly half of their sales. I give the manager, Dave, with whom I’m on a first name basis, a firm slap on the ass as we walk out and say cheerfully, “See you next week, buddy!” He sighs, and I can’t help but notice a single tear rolling down his cheek. Next destination is the Phi Delta Theta house at Southwestern University (note #3: Phi Delta Theta is the best house on campus at Southwestern. If you decide to attend SU (don’t) and decide to rush (do), rush Phi or enjoy a miserable time in one of the other 3 trash-ass houses).
(9:51 p.m.) Back at the house, we decide to play basketball and strictly ’80s rock in the backyard with stomachs full of Chicken Crispers and poorly-made margaritas. Bad idea.
(10 p.m.-2 a.m.) 12 of us cram into one room and bump a mix of blink-182 and rap, which is unsettling yet hype as hell. We spend the next four hours hanging out, destroying our risk manager’s room, and hurling cans and trash at PIKE. Overall, a pretty good night.
(2:26 a.m.) Lay in bed in my dorm room and cry because I didn’t go to UT.
What’s your life’s greatest accomplishment?
Being able to do a backflip into a pool. I live a sad, sad, miserable life.
Describe yourself in 5 words that each begin with the letter “s” and end in the letter “y.”
Silly, Sexy, Savory, Spicy, SDezCaughtItY
Why the hell did you decide to intern at TFM?
I saw the ad that TFM needed interns and I thought to myself, “Hey, I’m a terrible person, will stay in college for 7 years, and have no ambition,” so I figured this would be the internship for me. Actually though, I like to write and I’m a fan of the content, so it’s a pretty cool opportunity to be able to reach millions of people and help do cool stuff while you nerds read this article on your phone in Economics or something.
What’s your favorite thing about interning at TFM?
Well, so far I haven’t been approached by any girls who think it’s hot, so I’d have to say eating Fruit Roll-Ups from the break room while I look at a bunch of stupid-ass videos that people my age send in.
What’s your least favorite thing about interning at TFM?
I actually have 2:
First, if you’re from the Austin area, you know how bad the traffic is. Georgetown is about 30 miles north of Austin, where the TFM office is located, and let me tell you — that drive takes about 2 hours at 8:30 in the morning. Austin people aren’t as smart as Houston people (H-tine hold it dine), so no one knows how to drive.
Second, people send in some stupid stuff that I’m forced to watch. If I see another video of a high schooler shotgunning a beer in their backyard while their friends watch and say to themselves, “This is gonna be on TFM, we’re gonna be so cool!” I will have an aneurysm. Don’t get me wrong, my friend group did literally the exact same thing when we were in high school, but now that I have to watch it as my job, I finally realize just how fucking stupid it is/we were.
Chick-fil-A, Raising Cane’s, or Popeye’s?
Chick-fil-A, unless it’s Sunday, then Popeyes. Cane’s is poo salad.
Regular Tabasco or Chipotle Tabasco?
Both are shitty, but I guess Regular because it’s less shitty.
Fuck, marry, kill: A jar of mayonnaise, Gail the Snail from It’s Always Sunny, and “Spinny Boy” (my RC helicopter)
Let me start by stating that I absolutely lost my shit at the fact that Jared’s RC helicopter is named “Spinny Boy;” that’s the kind of humor that not enough people appreciate (Editor’s note: You brown-nosing SOB). I’m gonna have to say I’d fuck the mayonnaise, because, from personal experience, it’s not that bad. I’d marry Spinny Boy because I need that kind of joy, laughter, and beauty in my life forever, and I’d kill Gail the Snail because fuck Gail the Snail..
Follow Intern Craig on Twitter: @craigheiser3