Miami Face Eater Wasn’t on Bath Salts, Zombie Apocalypse May Be Imminent

Email this to a friend

Nice Move

According to a recent Fox News article, after extensive laboratory drug screenings, it has been determined that the infamous “Miami Zombie” was not under the influence of bath salts.

After multiple tests for both street and prescription drugs Rudy Eugene, the now deceased cheek-chewer, was determined to be completely clean for every existing drug except marijuana.

Marijuana is not likely to blame for this incident, as anyone’s experiences have shown: people who smoke it are infinitely more likely to watch Grandma’s Boy three times in a row rather than gnawing off someone’s upper lip. The munchies are one thing, but that reaction is just ridiculous, and effects not typical of reefer.

So what on Earth could be to blame for this blatantly inhuman behavior? Reports from his family and romantic partner both proclaim Eugene as a pretty nice guy, who they’d never suspect to snap so violently.

Now I’m a generally “believe it when I see it” kind of guy, but the fact that so many odd cannibalistic happenings have sprung up is more than a little concerning. Even worse, most of them are happening in my home state of Florida. Just saying, if you guys stop hearing from me anytime soon the natural assumption should be that the zombies are taking over. On the bright side, at least it looks like they’ll destroy Miami first.

Email this to a friend

Nice Move

Comments

You must be logged in to comment. Log in or create an account.

  1. JParksCaldwell1855

    A cannibalistic diet has to do horrors to your metabolism. Not to mention the lack of k.osher menu items if you’re Je.wish. And what wine would you even serve with dinner? I mean, I’d assume a nice red like a Cabernet Sauvi.gnon would suffice, but maybe a human steak would fall more under the category of a Syrah or Merlot. So many loose ends, amirite?

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    1
    • MightBePike

      I think that is why zombies are so popular today. Our lives are so dominated by society and what it expects; much of which goes against our animalistic tendencies. Zombies are an outlet for these tendencies. Zombies are so human like and yet wholly on a different plane, so we don’t have to feel bad about bashing their brains in. They’re already dead! And life would be so much simpler: just find and steal food and nice cars (for free!) and don’t die. Girls would seemingly be up for so much more sex since their life or future would be so much more vulnerable to compromise and there would be a need for human reproduction.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
      0
  2. Captain Jack Sperry

    I could see Greek life turning a Zombie Apocalypse into the biggest rager the world has ever seen. Pounding brews, slamming slams, and blowing the FUCK outa some zombie geeds.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    0

Load More

1 2