Michelle Bachmann Thinks The Rapture Is Coming And We Are All Fucked

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Michelle Bachmann Thinks The Rapture Is Coming And We Are All Fucked

According to former member of the House, Prophet Michele Bachmann, Jesus has just about had enough of checking up on us in the form of oddly-shaped potato chips and grilled cheesus sandwiches, and is gonna come back for real this time.

From Christian Post:

This is coming faster than anyone can see,” said Bachman during an interview with the “Understanding the End Times” radio program, regarding either Jesus’ impending return or Helen Keller’s sex life. “Jesus Christ is coming back… We in our lifetimes, potentially, could see Jesus Christ returning to earth, the rapture of the Church.

Just in case you’re like me and your church-going attendance is about as consistent as Lebron James’ hairline, the rapture is when Jesus gets fed up with all of our shit, picks his crew to go chill with him at the cool kids table in the sky, and leaves the rest of us sinners here on Earth to be the Yoshi to God’s Pikachu as he spams the B button to rain lightning bolts upon us.

If you think you’ll be safely serving as God’s spotter and giving suggestions on who needs to be smitten next, you may want to think back a few days and keep a tally of just how many times you’ve been a sinning piece of shit. Have you had to jerk off because your date fell asleep as soon as you put in the tip? Boom, that’s a double whammy right there for self-serving your own meat and for sticking your dick in someone without a $20,000 lifetime jail sentence on their ring finger.

Not all will be bad for those of us left here to fry on Earth, though, because we get to have front row seats to the greatest battle royale since Floyd Mayweather’s illiteracy duped him into signing a contract to fight Manny Pacquiao. Except, in this case, you have Jesus standing at 4’7, white, and pissed off, who will square off against the Antichrist, the false prophet, and Satan in the battle of Armageddon. In what sounds like what would be Peter Jackson’s wet dream, this battle encompasses the entire scope of the world, so everybody gets to see Jesus beat the living sulfur out of that red-skinned, trident-yielding asshole as he gets Spartan kicked into the bowels of Hell. But then, when God returns to collect the money that he put on the fight, we die via a barrage of fireballs, disease and a 24/7 loop of Kevin James movies.

[via Christian Post]

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