I mostly hate politics. But this? This is glorious. As has been tradition since 1992, when Hillary Clinton’s oatmeal cookies somehow bested Barbara Bush’s all-American chocolate chip recipe, the current FLOTUS Michelle Obama will face off against her potential replacement, Ann Romney, in Family Circle’s Presidential Bake-Off.
This is the sorority Super Bowl, right? It HAS to be, what competition tops it? It’s equal parts lighthearted, fun, and accidentally demeaning. This needs to be on the fucking Food Networt and judged by Guy Fieri (for his knowledge of bold flavors), a drunk Anthony Bourdain (the drunk part is key), and Hazel Smith on a Hoveround. In all honesty Hazel Smith is the only person whose opinion I’d trust. Her obesity demands that her food opinion be respected above all others. She doesn’t have Type 2 Diabetes, she has two types of Diabetes. Is that even possible? With Hazel Smith I’d guess that yes, yes it is.
But why the Family Circle Presidential Bake-Off really needs to be a televised event isn’t because of this year’s election. Fuck the 2012 election. I’m not exactly wild about choosing between cookies baked by a Mormon and a health nut. No, I want this to be a televised event for 2016. Why? Because there is a more than good chance Hillary runs on the Democratic ticket, which means Bill gets to be a part of the bake-off.
My God, can you imagine? Let’s say for fun that Romney wins in 2012 and Ann Romney is the incumbent FLOTUS for 2016. Before the 2016 bake-off Ann Romney is standing in the White House kitchen, kneading dough and making small talk with a producer when in walks Bill. He’s wearing an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt with cigar in mouth and beer in hand. He plops a tray of ribs slathered in some secret Ozark marinade onto the kitchen island. Ann Romney gives him a disgusted look and informs Bill that this is supposed to be a cookie contest.
“Nah baby, it’s cool,” Bill explains. “I’m makin’ this bitch a B-B-Q party.”
Ann Romney rolls her eyes and goes back to her cookies while Bill polishes off his Budweiser before pulling another one out of the cooler he dragged in behind him. Eventually though, Ann starts to smile at Bill’s crass remarks and off color jokes. Before you know it the two are openly flirting while they wait for their food to finish cooking. By the time Ann’s cookies and Bill’s ribs are done Bill has somehow justified an affair to Ann Romney by questioning the definition of the word “marriage” and making open suggestions that Mitt Romney really is a secret polygamist. At that point they start making out on top of a nearby table while Guy Fieri points at Bill and shouts “this guy is SO MONEY!” Then, feeling the Slick Willy vibe, Bourdain polishes off his glass of wine, feels up Hazel Smith, and passes out in her lap.
Please God. Please make this happen.
What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, Michelle Obama and Ann Romney baking cookies. Here are their respective recipes. Judge (and maybe bake) for yourselves.
- [image via Time]