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Missouri Governor-Elect And Former Navy SEAL Eric Greitens Says Men Who Robbed His Wife Should Be Glad Cops Found Them First

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Sheena Greitens, the wife of Missouri governor-elect and former Navy SEAL Eric Greitens, was robbed at gunpoint near St. Louis University Monday night while sitting in her car in a restaurant parking lot.

Greitans cell phone and laptop were stolen, but thankfully Missouri’s next first lady was otherwise fine. According to reports, Greitens then called the police, informed them of the crime, and reported the suspects’ car, which was stolen (because of course), and had also been reported at the scene of an earlier crime (God I can’t wait to go home for Christmas). The police quickly located the suspects, who are apparently whatever the opposite of Danny Ocean is (themselves?), by tracking Greitens cell phone. They’re all under arrest now, and they should be thanking Jesus for that, based on the what Sheena’s husband Eric, the aforementioned Navy SEAL, had to say about it.

In case you are unaware of who Eric Greitens is, like, as a person, here are some of his campaign videos.

I have to say, robbing the wife of a man whose biopic would almost certainly star John Cena doesn’t feel like a smart move. Nobody wants the last words they hear to be something like, “Playtime’s over,” or, “I hope you have a reservation.” “For what?” “Hell. They say people are dying to get in.” And then, I don’t know, he drops his cigar in the leaking gasoline or flips the “on” switch for the giant highway jackhammer you’ve somehow found yourself lying under. Whatever. You hear something shitty and die badly. For an iPhone 6. Hard pass.

Actually, these scenarios are fun to think up, so here’s a few more:

Greitens: You forgot one thing. I don’t drink coffee.

*drives katana deep into the chest of robber*

-or-

Greitens: Don’t you know? Crime doesn’t pay. But this does.

*Greitens pets his minigun, points it at robber*

Robber: [nervously] What are you talking about, man?

Greitens: [smiles] I recycle the shells for 3 cents a pop.

*pulls trigger on minigun, fires until belt is finished*

-or-

Greitens: Guess again, turd licker.

*rips out throat of robber with bare hand, bows to the Gateway Arch*

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