Mizzou Proposing Insane Rules That Will Kill Greek Life AND Endanger Its Students

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Nice Move


“Are you guys going to see the magician?”

This question wasn’t asked of me at a grade school carnival or a child’s birthday party. It wasn’t even in reference to if I was going to go buy drugs from an eccentric dealer who wore a top hat and kept numerous white rabbits as pets (this would have been the best possible meaning of the question). Rather, on my first real day of college — it was after everyone had moved in but before classes began — with my pledge brother alongside me, a kid came up to us asked us this exact question, its meaning totally literal, as we walked across campus. We still laugh about it now.

“No,” we both told the kid, managing at best to chuckle and shake our heads in our attempts to not outright burst into laughter.

The two of us continued to our intended and, mercifully, magician-free destination: the fraternity house where we were about to go drink. Because even though it was literally illegal for us to do so, 18-year-olds drinking beers with other people their age is a more socially healthy and age-appropriate activity than sitting around watching a show meant to amuse little children.

Even though I understood two obvious facts, the first being that the university had to provide some sort of on campus activities to entertain their brand new freshmen, and, second, obviously they weren’t going to roll out an open bar to do that, the inclusion of a magician (among other equally ridiculous options) still confused me. Yes, we were young and could not legally drink so our entertainment options were slightly limited, but I assumed the school still understood we were 18 years old, not nine, right?

By the time I graduated five years later, I was still asking myself basically the same question that this magician came to be emblematic of for me. “Mizzou knows we aren’t children, right?” No, we were not full fledged adults, and still had plenty to learn, but we were relatively intelligent people (or maybe the school just doesn’t have faith in the education they provide).

Through my experiences, I learned that the answer to that question didn’t really matter, though, because the two most likely (and probably shared) answers to it were both depressing. Either the Mizzou administration legitimately didn’t understand that, or they did, but played dumb to the idea when beneficial to them, usually when they refused to communicate with the students prior to making decisions that directly affected us, and that we almost universally opposed (which, during my time, was largely related to the most popular student tailgating spots being shut down because of “image concerns” as the university’s football program became increasingly exposed on a national level).

The university quite often treated its students like little children. Sometimes because they didn’t know what else to do, and sometimes because it was the easiest way to get what they wanted. Both are the product of incompetence, and both were relatively frequent. Apparently, this is still an issue at the University of Missouri.


One of Mizzou chancellor R. Bowen Loftin’s primary goals during his time at the university is to eradicate instances of sexual assault on campus. His goal is literally zero. That is a fantastic objective. No sane person disagrees with this objective. Even a guy who lobbies Congress for less stringent baby seal poaching laws wouldn’t find a way to argue with this general goal. Everyone wants this, and good on Chancellor Loftin for taking the initiative.

As a part of this initiative, Loftin contacted the Mizzou Fraternity Alumni Consortium, a collection of representatives from the alumni boards of the IFC fraternities on campus. The Consortium existed before Loftin came to Mizzou, but was generally inactive. Loftin’s goal in activating the Consortium was to create a way for the Mizzou fraternity alumni who run the houses to communicate with each other and the school effectively about any number of things, but at present the most pressing topics were the sexual assault issue and alcohol abuse.

Chancellor Loftin requested that the Consortium (I felt like Dan Brown writing that string of words, by the way) discuss and devise potential new policies to put in place to curb alcohol abuse and stop sexual assaults in the fraternity houses.

It should be noted that Loftin is not solely focusing on Greek Life, as if they are the only perpetrators of sexual assault and alcohol abuse at the school. This is a school-wide issue to him, which is evident based on, among other things, his strong support and promotion of the Title IX office as an important campus resource. That said, it does seem like any other efforts he or others may have made toward non-Greek areas of campus have been underwhelming by comparison, if not total failures so far, considering the rash of gropings, sexual assaults, break-ins, and violent assaults that have taken place on or around campus over the past year, and especially this spring. In fact, there is not a single fraternity house mentioned in any of the instances of sexual assault on the University of Missouri Police Department Clery Release page over the past school year. Meanwhile, several dorms experienced assaults in that same time, as well as various locations on and around Mizzou’s campus. (Obviously this doesn’t definitively mean that no sexual assaults were committed at fraternity houses in the 2014-2015 academic year, or that there were no instances involving fraternity men.)

So the Consortium — whose delegates, according to one attendee of several Consortium meetings that I spoke with, are for the most part 40 or older (in some cases, much older) — did their consorting at Loftin’s request and discussed effective ways to curb alcohol abuse and cease sexual assaults as best as they absolutely, positively could. In theory, Loftin reaching out to let the fraternities solve their own problems is a generous gesture and an intelligent move. Why not let the people who understand their organizations better than anyone else set about solving their problems? Somehow, somewhere along the line, everything got completely and totally fucked.

Several of the proposals the Consortium — men who were in a fraternity in college — came up with are truly astounding. You might not actually believe what you read. The proposed policies are more out of touch than a dad’s MySpace page laden with Austin Powers references. They are overkill in the same way that rocketing a dog directly into the center of the sun after its second biting incident is overkill. Read them below and possibly actually weep.


A photo posted by Rob Fox (@bacontfm) on

Above is the invitation the University of Missouri sent out for its unveiling of the Consortium’s polices on June 20, which is, of course, conveniently scheduled for when there will be as few students as possible around to protest this. Presumably since these policies are being announced, they have been given the stamp of approval by Chancellor Loftin (which means Mizzou’s new anti-sexual assault policies and underwater pornography have something in common). The details in the invitation are relatively vague, with the exception of “restriction of out-of-town formals.”

Below is a list of the proposed policies that I received in several emails. According to one source, these are at the very least what the policies looked like after the first drafting of what is being called “Safety for Women in Mizzou Fraternities.” Some of these policies may have since been amended or cut, though the invitation from the university seems to illustrate that, generally, this is what is going to be recommended. Also, though it claims to be addressing Mizzou fraternities, the proposal, should it stick, will affect not just Mizzou, but the entire University of Missouri system (UM-Kansas City, UM-Saint Louis, and Missouri University of Science and Technology). I’ve ranked them from least to most batshit crazy.

An additional piece states the consortium will host a sexual assault summit for all fraternity and sorority leaders as the first step in addressing sexual assault in the greek community.

This is A-okay.

“Alcohol” – Only beer would be allowed at fraternities.

Actually not the worst idea! Not off to a terrible start here, guys. I’ve been debating whether or not to write a column proposing a similar idea. My proposal wasn’t as drastic though; I was simply going to suggest that grain alcohol, a.k.a. Everclear, should no longer be used in fraternity drinks (known regionally as trash can punch, paint can punch, jungle juice, hunch punch, etc.). The reasoning for this is simple: Most people who drink at fraternity houses aren’t 21. Most are freshmen and sophomores, and 18 to 20-year-olds aren’t what you could call good or experienced drinkers. Most of these kids can’t handle alcohol anywhere near that strong, and especially not in great volume, so putting gasoline in their Kool-Aid is probably a terrible idea that needs to end.

But, at least as a matter of compromise, I could get on board with no liquor of any kind. I would push back on the beer only rule to include wine as well, though. The ABV in most wines isn’t bad, and even the states with the most ass backward, Prohibition era liquor laws regulate beer and wine the same.

This is the one proposal that could affect real, valuable change and seriously combat potential sexual assaults and alcohol related injuries without infringing on students’ rights or insulting their intelligence, integrity, and right to make their own choices.

Don’t worry, though. It’s a toboggan ride down into a pit of absurdity from here.

“Social and Recruitment Events” – Fraternities would not be allowed to host any out of town formals.

This reads purely like the fraternity alumni and the school covering their asses in a liability and publicity sense, in case somebody goes rock star on their rooms and decides to give a mattress a Viking funeral in the hotel pool.

To be fair, Mizzou’s Alpha Tau Omega chapter had a pretty bad incident at the Lake of the Ozarks nearly a decade ago, and it got them kicked off campus. Of course, to be fair to the students this is affecting (HA, why would we do that?), since then there have probably been nearly 100 out-of-town Mizzou fraternity socials with no incidents even remotely close to ATO’s firework factory explosion of a formal way back when.

“Drugs” – Both fraternities and sororities would be required to drug test their in house members.

It should be hilarious listening to these out of touch alumni boards wondering to each other in bewilderment why they’ve started losing so much money (hint: because no one will want to live in your BYU dorms). But at least they won’t lose money on the drug tests themselves. Those will probably just be added to dues because FUCK YOU MIZZOU GREEKS HAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA.

This is also especially hilarious because I’m pretty sure absolutely no one from any level of sorority management, alumni or active, were consulted on this at all. Yeah, Mizzou Fraternity Alumni Consortium, you hold women in a real high regard, don’t you? Only a bunch of clueless old men could make a progressive initiative so misogynistic.

“Women students as guests in fraternity houses” – Women would not be allowed in fraternity houses between the hours of 10 PM and 3 AM on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights as well as everyday during syllabus week and stop day each semester.

You can practically forget everything else you just read, because this is their masterpiece. It’s actually as if the Consortium, the Greek Life office, and the school are giving Mizzou students the middle finger, and then aggressively shoving that finger up their own collective ass. It’s a perfect storm. It will simultaneously do the following: kill the system its aiming to improve while actually increasing the danger for students it intends to protect. This will kill Greek Life at Mizzou. This might belong on the Mount Rushmore of University Incompetence.

This policy will drive drinking further underground and off campus, where there will be significantly less control over the parties than if they were in fraternity houses. That total lack of oversight, of course, will put students in further risk of alcohol related injuries and sexual assault. And, based on how well the Columbia and MU PD have kept East Campus, West Campus, and downtown safe recently (it’s been BAD), probably increase the amount of students at risk for robbery and assault, as well. On top of that, because this is the policy that just keeps on giving (death and destruction), it will definitely increase drunk driving all over Columbia, which in turn puts not just the students, but the entire city of Columbia, Missouri at risk.

And those are just the immediate consequences. What will start to happen to the campus and the city when the Columbia Police Department and MUPD have their resources stretched thinner as they have to police alcohol violations over a wider area? That will almost certainly happen because enforcing these misdemeanors are a priority to both departments. The recent, explosive downtown development has centralized a lot of off campus student living and will keep the problem from being more drastic than it could be, but neither department is exactly doing a fantastic job at civic and student safety as it is. If the recent crime wave in Columbia is any indication, promising developments will surely abound!

(The only net positive out of this policy is that maybe somebody will burn down a few of the Brookside eyesores that consumed and sterilized downtown Columbia like they’re the freakin’ residential Borg.)

If these policies are actually put in place, I’m half expecting The Joker to immediately walk out and say, “And here we go.”


Ironically, the people this proposal is most closely aimed at protecting — the Greek women of Mizzou — are the most offended by it, and the most ardent adversaries of it. Which is weird, because usually a bunch of old white guys telling women what’s best for their health goes over so well.

In typical Mizzou fashion, the Panhellenic Association was in absolutely no way consulted on any of this at any time (nor was the IFC, because, again, and I really can’t stress this enough, fuck you Mizzou students, you idiot children, you). After reading the initial proposal, the PHA moved swiftly and drafted a letter to Chancellor Loftin. It critiqued nearly every aspect of the proposal, with the exception of the education initiatives, and condemned the aforementioned complete disregard for communication between students and the creators of these policies, so much so that they believe the issue totally invalidates the proposal (agreed). Unfortunately I do not have the PHA letter in its entirety, but the section below nicely summarizes the PHA’s attitude toward “Safety for Women in Mizzou Fraternities.”

PHA Letter

The letter was signed by every Mizzou sorority president. Chancellor Loftin responded to the letter quickly and cordially, thanked the PHA for their input, and assured them that further discussions on the issues would be had.

And naturally, that discussion ended up in no way involving the women the proposal is all about, because, well, I think we all know how it goes by now, no? Fuck you yada yada yada we aren’t interested in your opinions so just keep shitting cash you money-filled infants yada yada yada it’s for our, er, your own good. At the end of May, the announcement of when the finalized proposal would be unveiled was sent out. The PHA was never consulted about anything between when Loftin received the letter and this announcement.

Since that time, the details of the proposal have made their way around the Greek community and campus, and unsurprisingly the students are almost universally furious.


According to one Mizzou alumni board president who is staunchly against the proposal, he believes the policies therein will be presented as “recommendations.” How strong of recommendations, however, is anyone’s guess.

If these policies are put into place, the message from the University of Missouri, the Mizzou Office of Greek Life, the Mizzou Fraternity Alumni Consortium, University of Missouri Chancellor R. Bowen Loftin, and University of Missouri Systems president Tim Wolfe is clear: We view our students as children. Children who lack the integrity, intelligence, and decision making abilities to be allowed even adolescent freedoms. Children that do not even deserve to be consulted about what they can and cannot be allowed to do with their own daily lives. Furthermore, we view each fraternity man, first and foremost, as a potential attacker or trouble maker, and each Mizzou woman as a potential victim above all else.

You are all numbers and liabilities who, God willing, will graduate with your checks having cleared and your presence not having caused the school or your houses any bad publicity.

So, if these policies are set in place, what is there to do?

First, I highly recommend every member of a fraternity at Mizzou find out who on your alumni boards are in favor of these policies and do everything in your power to initiate a vote of no confidence (or whatever your procedure for that may be) on every single alumni involved in pushing this agenda. Get them out of office ASAP. They are morons, and have no business running your chapter.

Second, because this is what amounts to a nuclear option on the part of Mizzou, the only appropriate reaction is to respond in kind. Every single house should drop out of Homecoming. No floats. No house decks. No skit. Every bit of pomp and circumstance that the Mizzou Greeks provide through hours of grueling labor that actually costs them money (and time and sanity) just to make THE FIRST AND BIGGEST HOMECOMING IN THE COUNTRY so special should be boycotted by every single Greek. Take away everything you give the school, because they’re taking just about everything they can away from you. I would recommend, however, that all the houses organize together to put on their own blood drive, as well as organize a massive fundraiser for the charities Homecoming was supposed to benefit. No reason to punish the people who haven’t done anything wrong. That’s Mizzou’s job, after all.

If you’re alumni and disagree with these policies, at the very least resign from the Mizzou Alumni Association if you’re a paying member (I am, and will should these policies be administered). If you’re an alumnus or alumnae still young enough to be a member for free, contact the alumni association and ask to be taken off their mailing list, and explain exactly why.


Despite all the absurdity of these policies (the beer proposal somewhat excluded), hearts are in the right place here. Sexual assault is a serious problem on every college campus, Mizzou included. Curbing alcohol abuse would go a long way to help stop that. Taking an initiative is a good thing, and in a general sense I am thrilled to see my alma mater do it. But the egregious lack of communication in this instance is an insult to the students. The sheer broadness of these policies comes off as intellectual laziness on the part of the people who created and approve them. Or, worse, the broadness is driven by image preservation more than student safety. The eye-opening separation from reality involved devising these proposed policies will create so many problems that it seems inevitable that they will actually hurt the students they aim to protect, destroy a culture over a quarter of the student body is a part of, and damage the surrounding community. These are bad, horrible, no good policies that should not be recommended or enforced.

And it doesn’t end there. This could just be the beginning, and could go on to affect all non-Greeks at Mizzou, as well. According to one Mizzou alum, the administration has also, at the very least, discussed doing away with all coed dorms, and mandating that students are required to live in dorms for two years.

If these recommendations are instituted, well, enjoy your weekends filled with magic shows, future Missouri Tigers.


Here is the full letter from the Panhellenic Association to Chancellor Loftin. You know, the one he ignored.

PHA Letter to Chancellor Loftin



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  1. 536
    Rob Fox

    As Greeks, if this pisses you off as much as it should, I recommend you share this article far and wide. Something tells me this could be the first in a long line of battles at large Greek schools like Mizzou.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago
    • 151
      Strong F. Kennedy

      I know you love your alma mater, and i say this with no malicious intent, but if these rules get out into place then i honestly hope it destroys mizzou. I hope applications and student enrollment drop to almost nothing, alumni refuse to donate, and the resulting lack of funds bring the school to a halt.

      It would set a precedent showing that when a school tries to shut Greek life down, imposing totalitarian-esque rules on its members, it basically ruins the school. Hopefully it would help people view Greek life as an integral part of college campuses

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago
    • 36

      I agree; the attack on Greeks is spreading. The rules aren’t quite this bad yet, but the administration at Tennessee (UT) has started to act like a police state on the row, similar to Mizzou. We already can’t have alcohol in fraternity houses, and no parties at on-campus fraternity houses. They’ve tried to enforce a policy that even off-campus parties could get your chapter investigated. All houses are now required to get a live-in house mom or dad. We’re required to pay an extra $50/member fee for extra police force on the row. And the most fucked up of all… All fraternity houses are subject to random searches. They will even look in garbage cans for alcohol paraphernalia and go in chapter room closets. ..In short.. Fuck these schools’ administration, and we need to call on all of our alumni big donors to pull donations from the university.

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago
    • -5

      This isn’t the first time this will be seen. Sexual Assault Prevention is the hot button issue on campuses. Chapters all over are already doing the workshop, Title IX regulations surrounding sexual assault are so vague and complex even a 4 hour workshop can barely scrape the surface.The ban on liquor being brought into parties has already happened with us and it isn’t a bad thing from a risk management standpoint, especially ridding centralized forms of alcohol. Hunch punch is a terrible idea that allows for allegations of other substances being put into it if a girl gets to drunk, putting brothers at risk. The no out of town formals or allowing girls to be at the house during the main social hours is absolutely ludicrous. Moving forward, with this being such a hot button issue, administrators are looking for the “quick fix” they can enact under their term as their legacy as chancellor. Unfortunately the current view of Fraternities is not the best in non-Greek eyes so it’s easy to point the finger. It’s sad some don’t realize that when a fraternity’s risk management is ran properly, the accountability system in a fraternity house is far safer than that of any off campus house where anything can happen. But why do the people who are so quick to affix blame on fraternities feel that way? “From the outside looking in you can’t understand it, from the inside looking out you can’t explain it” comes to mind. People tend to hate/ stereotype what they can’t understand. Sadly it’s too easy for them to look at TFM and reference the supposed to be harmless satire as universal fraternity practices. Can you blame them though? This is our only mass website to represent fraternity news and doesn’t exactly represent us in the best light. We have to start doing a better job showing the world the good we are doing and doing more of it. Get back to the ritual, do more in the community, collaborate with other fraternities, and shove the good things we are doing (a lot) down news sources throats. Even send your philanthropy/community service work to TFM. Post more of that. News stations obviously aren’t coming knocking to publish a story about the thousands of dollars and countless hours put towards community service and philanthropies let alone the workshops being done to try to stay ahead of issues and become leaders. We are gonna have to do more in order to continue. Lock of the cellar doors boys, there’s a storm a brewing.

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago
  2. 386

    I thought Bacon’s repertoire was limited to dick jokes but this piece has elements of an established lawyer. Plan on getting a call from me about twenty years from now. My wife ain’t getting shit.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago
  3. 225

    How the fuck do they expect to regulate the “No women in fraternity houses Thurs-Sat night” clause?? Will campus police come kicking in a door when a brother is bumping uglies in his room? How absurd.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago
  4. 178
    Busch deLight

    Drug test members? Could you ever see Mizzou say they were going to drug test the school’s NAACP chapter, Mexican-American Club, or GLAAD chapter?

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago
  5. 125

    While i can appreciate what the Chancellor is trying to accomplish, this is NOT the way to do it.
    While not openly saying it, they have placed all blame for sexual assault on the fraternity men at their school. For shame Mizzou, for shame.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago
    • 13

      Another thing I’m thinking is the schools amount of applications is going to lower due to the amount of kids wants to join houses and have that college experience. Well done mizzou

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago
    • -12

      What it really sounds like is the Chancellor is sick of all the petty bullshit that blows up on social media into “sexual assault” so he’s saying “you know what, if men and women can’t fucking hang out together with out accusing each other of rape, then the woman shall get their wish and no longer are allowed in the environment the piss and moan about so much, happy now?”

      Thats kinda what I feel like he’s saying and I also believe this is just an effective warning shot to tell all the students to get it the fuck together and prove they can have nice things

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago
  6. 105

    No women outside the hours of 10p-3am on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays?? But that’s the only time I talk to them…

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago
  7. 104

    By far one of the best articles I have ever read on this site. It brings up an increasingly prevalent problem with our nation’s universities; nobody treats students like actual human beings. Everything we do is reactionary as opposed to just being included from the get-go and being given the opportunity to contribute, or at least have prior knowledge. The goals are sound, nobody can argue that rape is good and alcohol related deaths are to the benefit of society, but as is the case with much Greek-related news recently; the actions that have been taken go too far and are both unfair and biased.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago
    • 60

      Post it literally everywhere. Print excerpts and post it on campus. Send it out to IFC representatives. Or my preferred option; put it in the class of 2019 pages. All the university cares about is the bottom line. They’re trying to avoid losing face and getting bad publicity. Make sure the contrary happens. Nothing drives home a message to the college more than committed students complaining before their money is in yet.

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago
  8. 69

    I know that the vast majority, if not all of the Greek Community will agree that any assault on a woman is ungentlemanly and outrageous. I also think that every fucking Greek there ever was and is should be livid to see what Mizzou has enforced using the facade of “It’s for the women.” Fraternities are not supposed to be suppressed to this level. Ever.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago
  9. 42

    As a Mizzou fraternity man, this proposal appalls me on every level. Chancellor Loftin and the University of Missouri have no right to limit the individual freedoms of students; but they’ve already shown a total and utter disregard for those freedoms with their fraternity auditing system (Citadel, for those familiar with it), which, by all means, violates the constitutional protection against unreasonable searches. Fraternity members are being unfairly targeted across the nation for this false reality that they are the only people in our society that are capable of sexual assault, and university administrators are all too willing to go along with this narrative. It’s time for fraternity men to step up and show universities that we are no longer willing to be bullied into submission. I, for one, will not submit to any drug test, and I will not allow my brothers to do so either. As a 21-year old, I will possess any type of alcohol that I choose in my own residence. I will host any guests of the opposite gender, no matter the time of day, in my own residence. And I will continue to help organize out-of-town trips for my brothers and our guests. I sincerely hope that my fellow Mizzou fraternity men join me in my efforts. Chancellor Loftin, President Wolfe, and all other Mizzou administrators, “This aggression will not stand.”

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago

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