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Monopoly: Fraternity Edition

Monopoly is one of the frattest games of all time. It’s a classic cultural gem that has been instilling capitalist ideals into the warped minds of socialist children since 1934. Hasbro tried to make it relevant in modern times, but the whole system needs an overhaul. That’s why I decided to create Monopoly: Fraternity Edition.

Obviously I don’t want to get the shit sued out of me so I can’t actually make the game, but you’ll get the idea. Maybe the more industrious readers out there can turn my dream into a bootleg reality.

All the basic rules are the same. However, properties are renamed for the fraternities and sororities on your campus that actually matter. Their location on the board is arranged in order from bottom tier up to top tier. The four railroads are popular local bars and the two utilities are the football stadium and the academic advising building. If your campus doesn’t have a football stadium, you can substitute it for the Four Square court or whatever lame arena your shitty community college amuses itself with while all the real universities are playing football.

Player tokens include a Sperry shoe, a Polo horse, a keg, a Z71 Tahoe, a solo cup, and a sailboat.

Chance Cards:

1. Your pledges posted pictures of themselves drinking alcohol on Facebook. You lose a pledge class and go back three spaces.

2. Some of your brothers got wasted, broke into a rival house, stole a composite, and took a dump in the middle of the chapter room. Pay $200 in damages.

3. Your dad plays golf with the district attorney. Get out of jail free.

4. Obama gets re-elected. Pay Poor Tax: $50.

5. You parked in a tow away zone and the tow mafia got you. Pay $80.

6. You’ve been elected Treasurer of your chapter. Collect $50 from each player.

7. Advance token to nearest bar and pay owner twice the bar tab.

8. Your mutual fund matures. Collect $100.

9. Tuition increases. Pay $100 for shitty books you’ll never read.

10. You’ve been charged with public intoxication. Pay $150.

11. IFC caught you hazing. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Frat. Do not collect $200.

12. You go to a bar with your friends and you’re the only one with cash. Pay each player $10 for cover.

13. Advance token to the stadium to get wasted and watch a home game.

14. Dave Matthews comes to town. Collect $50 from every player for tickets.

15. You got more passing grades than failing grades. Collect $100 from dad.

16. You wake up too hungover to get out of bed. Lose a turn.

Community Chest:

1. The IRS found out about your offshore bank accounts. Pay $500 or 15% of your assets.

2. You bet on the NCAA championship and won. Collect $200.

3. Advance token to the academic advising building to remove the hold on your record.

4. You won a beer pong tournament. Collect $100.

5. You knocked a bitch up. Pay $400 for an abortion.

6. A GDI rear-ends you at a red light and you sue them for all they’re worth. Collect $15.

7. You got drunk and fell off the roof. Pay $100 hospital fee.

8. Participate in a university drug research study. Fail the test. Collect $75.

9. You got the clap. Pay $50 for antibiotics.

10. You left your credit card at the bar and forgot to close your tab. Pay 5% of all your cash.

11. You passed all of your midterms. Advance token to nearest bar and black out.

12. Financial aid comes through. Collect $150.

13. You’re starving and too drunk to drive, so you order a pizza. Pay $20.

14. You forgot about a sorority philanthropy that’s tomorrow. Each player must pay $20.

15. You made a fool of yourself in public. Lace em’ up, take a lap, and lose a turn.

16. Advance token to your fraternity house. Rage your balls off, get laid, and pass out.

***

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RageTheory

RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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