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More Guys in Every Fraternity

I’m back, mother fuckers, and just because so many of you had a problem with the length of the last “Guys in Every Fraternity” installment (147 comments of bitching, well done guys), I’ve decided to grace you with five more fraternal personalities that we all know just a little too well.

Mr. Adderall

This brother was a jittery little fuck as an eight-year-old, and now that he’s in college it’s time to for you to reap the benefits of his childhood hyperactivity. Every month, this brother shows up to the house with a bright smile on his face, and a bottle of pink pills that might as well be the only thing holding up your house’s collective GPA. This brother converts his ailment into Attention Deficit Bankroll Disorder, and so graciously distributes his focus-boosting goodies. It’s like a really fucked up version of Halloween.

The “Bottom of the Barrel” Brother

Standards are an amazing and wonderful thing to have in college. This kid missed the memo. While he may seem docile and even tempered when sober, liquor this son of a bitch up and next thing you know he’s spitting game on the stolen mannequin in your study room. When this brother gets the idea of sex in his mind, there is literally no stopping the onslaught of slurred “Dude, she totally wanted to fuck me” statements. It’s always entertaining to watch this brother from a distance as he trickles his way down the attractiveness ladder. I don’t think I’ve ever really seen a girl I’d consider a “1” but if this brother stayed drunk long enough he would probably find her.

The Fat Guy

We all have them, don’t even try to cover it up. In 99% of all cases, the fat brother solely exists to be hilarious. They’re usually pretty funny, thank God, because if they weren’t they’d literally have nothing going for them. In my experiences, I’ve noticed that many of our more…portly brothers take fratting to an extremely high level, almost to a fault. Four-inch inseams were made with a very specific clientele in mind, and this brother passed the appropriate weight at age 9. I’ve never heard of a girl aching for pasty white tree-trunk thighs, but then again I’ve never asked.

Mr. Nobody

This brother pledged, completed all that was asked of him, was passed through the ritual rites of initiation, and then…just kind of vanished. He seemed pretty decent in his short tenure there, and he has been known to make the occasional visit to the house, but for some reason, the fraternity just wasn’t for him. Why on earth someone would go through the dogshit semester of pledging and then suddenly decide it “wasn’t worth it” to enjoy the benefits of brotherhood? It might have been because of a girlfriend, or another club, or maybe even a secret vagina he’s been hiding, there’s truly no way to know.

The Intramural Champion

For most of the students at your University, intramurals are a fun way to exercise and work off the stress of another shitty week of school. Not for this brother. For him, every single intramural event, be it a 7v7 flag football game or a rock paper scissors tournament, is literally the most important event of his life. This brother spends much of his time scouring the intramural website, checking the scores of other matchups, and even scouting opposing teams. All of his collegiate career has been based around whatever shitty reward you get for winning an intramural tournament (pride? high fives? a $2 t-shirt with the word champion on it?). Not only is it his personal mission, but he tends to drag others through his competitive mentality so that every event becomes a bloodthirsty battle for pride and glory. Is it necessary? No way. Does he make your team a hell of a lot better? You bet your ass he does, so nobody’s complaining here.

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