I just turned 22 and I think I’m going through a little bit of a quarter life crisis. It’s been a year since I can legally drink and still occasionally forget it. Sometimes I’ll be drunk, see a cop and get nervous, then I remember that I’m not breaking the laws. It’s kinda like when I turned 17 and didn’t have to sneak into R-rated movies anymore. My days of buying tickets to Up and creeping into Inglourious Basterds were finally over (they’re both masterpieces, obviously). Basically, I always feel a little younger than I actually am. I still feel like a dumb, irresponsible teenager in my head. This was never more apparent to me than recently.
I grew up with some immature lifelong friends who embraced stupid behavior just as much as I did, but a lot of these buffoons are actually growing up (as they should). As of lately, I’ve noticed a disturbing phenomenon: I have multiple friends who are now becoming teachers. Three to be exact. Two of them are becoming elementary school teachers (1st and 3rd grade I think), and another one is becoming a high school English teacher.
This is a really fucked up to witness, because, as I said a second ago, I grew up with some immature, irresponsible idiots. These three fuckers are prime examples, and now they’re shaping our nation’s youth.
What. The. Fuck.
We’ll call them Molly, Valerie, and Brandon (names slightly changed to the protect the not so innocent). I remember a few weeks ago when Molly hit me with her news. She just had graduated in May. She majored in early childhood education and minored in sucking dick. She excitedly said, “Wally! I start teaching 1st grade in August.” And all I could think was “……you blew a mall Santa once.”
My mind was racing with confusing anxiety. Nostalgic thoughts that are now coated in fear, thinking “this chick took the SATs drunk… At. The wrong. School.”
This bitch was insane. A raging party animal rolling full speed ahead on the crazy train, with a list of disgusting stories longer than a Bruce Springsteen setlist. Endless memories, trapped in a haze of excessive drugs, alcohol, and sex. Our friendship was a series of fucked up episodes with the rest of our little crew. She’s a goddamn alcoholic, drug-fueled sex fiend, and a tornado of destruction. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, BUT now she’s molding young minds.
Same goes for the two others. Valerie did enough ecstasy to kill Charlie Sheen 11 times over and drank so much that I’m pretty sure her liver sent her a cease and desist letter. She had threesomes and foursomes, and she accidentally smoked meth at a music festival and stayed up for three days straight. Brandon was a fucking monster who had a Wilt Chamberlain level body count and I’m pretty sure he’s never even heard the word condom. The world may never know exactly how many STDs this man had. His junk must have looked like a stale and stepped on pepperoni pizza. He drank even more than Valerie, to the point where he may have somehow become immune to alcohol, like some kind of a boring X-Men member. To quote Donald Glover in Community, “That guy is just a mess. It’s like God spilled a person.”
But, on top of that, to me, they’re still kids. I’ve known these guys my whole life. And now they’re teachers?! But, at least to Molly and Valerie’s students (Brandon is the one teaching high school), it’s nothing to them. When you’re little, even if your teacher is 22, they seem 50. In your young mind, your teachers never even had childhoods. They’ve always been adults. They came out of the womb fully grown with a pencil and a calculator.
This got me thinking: When I was a kid, how many of my teachers were immature maniacs? Was my 5th grade music teacher an amoral booze machine who was addicted to bondage porn and plowed through transvestite hookers on weekends? Was my 7th health teacher actually the least healthy person on the planet? With a body filled with cocaine and LSD globs and gets gonorrhea at least once a year? I guess I’ll never know.
This taught me a few things. Life moves fast and people grow and you just get used to it. You blink and all your childhood friends are grown. It’s kinda freaky, but that’s life.
Also, be careful who you let teach your kids..