I Know How To Fix Congress — Here’s How I’d Do It

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Going into the final throes of the election, the country has never been more divided. Ok, it was more divided from 1861 to 1865, but that was a long time ago, and history is lame.

As I was saying, there’s a distinct division in our political system and people are not happy about it. When unrest rises to such unprecedented levels, we the people must find solutions to help our country stay on the straight and narrow. Some people would say to write your congressman, but writing is lame (like history. The only thing lamer? The history of writing). Others would throw massive protests resulting in traffic backups and absolutely no change. How, then, can we solve such titanic problems, and who among us is intelligent, good looking, and enormously endowed enough to address the issue?

I am, bitches, and I’ve got your solution right here *grabs monster nuts*. Why should we start at the bottom, toiling our way up a ladder that’s tall and requires effort, when we can make changes at the top? In our leadership, you ask? No way, what are you, high? Public elections haven’t solved anything ever. It’s just more of the same career politicians and deranged loonies saying pretty lies and jerking each other off. To change the system, you have to change the process. To change the process, you need to institute gladiatorial combat on the Senate floor.

Imagine it, the rows of pews swapped out for high rise bleachers and general admission (nosebleeds around $45; bloodshed ain’t cheap). On the floor, where representatives once filibustered and bullshitted, you have a battlefield ready to receive tribute from geriatrics with big mouths and political minds. Instead of a Whip, you’ll have literal fucking whips. For lashing. John Cornyn unleashes righteous fury for small businessmen upon Patrick Leahy’s dome as the people of Texas raise their glasses in respect for their champion. It just makes sense.

Sure, at first you would have some issues. Half the combatants would likely keel over from heart problems halfway through their introductions. Indeed, most of the representatives in attendance wouldn’t even posit for change out of fear for their wellbeing. In that case, screw them. No blood, no bills. Once the system got moving, however, people would take notice. Instead of voting some old, wrinkly ass guy into office for his 8th term, they’d nix him if it became known that he can no longer heft a spear. We’ll be starting the political careers of icons like Dwayne Johnson, Brian Urlacher, and Ashton Eaton. If people stood by their candidate, thinking that Orrin Hatch can possibly smell what The Rock is cooking (anosmia is a serious problem for the elderly), they’ll get a rude awakening when he gets tossed to the upper deck.

A physically strong legislative branch would no longer roll over for a weak Commander-in-Chief. It would foster respect between our leaders, ensuring more concentrated efforts to solve real issues and cease infighting. We could turn our attention to outside threats, as our gargantuan representatives take the front lines and personally destroy those who threaten American safety. Kim Jong-un would cower at word that Representative Peterson of Texas was waiting to stiff arm him straight to Hell. Security would no longer be an issue; between military might and literal political power, other countries would just send us their food and boobies in abundance.

I implore you, government, to take what I’ve said to heart. Strong people make a strong government, and strong people partake in steel cage matches. Put aside your boring sessions for Congress-mania, and watch citizens start loving the system again. If nothing else, it’ll make CSPAN watchable for once.

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Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in the mountains of NC where he wrestles black bears and attempts to grow a beard. Karl gave up liquor following an unfortunate incident involving tequila and a vacuum cleaner, but he isn't above a nice stout on the porch.

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