New Device Allows Parents to Monitor Your Drinking

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Nice Move

One of the aspects of the college experience that makes it so great is the lack of parental supervision. You spend the first eighteen years of your life under the eye of Mom and Dad, but once they drop you off for freshmen move-in, you essentially are free to do whatever you want. Sure, you need to go to class every now and then, but really, you can do whatever you want with your free time. For most of us, it seems we choose to use all that time for one thing: drinking.

Let’s face it, as a group, we drink a lot. I’m not just talking about Greeks, either. Roughly 50% of all college students report that they drink to excess within any given two week period. As a result of these findings, as well as anecdotal information, parents across the country are, well, pissed.

Moms and dads are upset that they’re paying tens of thousands of dollars a year for their kids to become functioning alcoholics. They’re seeing their children do poorly in the most elementary of classes. What are they doing to stop it? They’re going to start monitoring your drinking.

SOBERLINK, Inc., a tech firm based in Cypress, California, has a solution for parents of college students. The nerds over at SOBERLINK have designed and developed a “discreet, wireless breathalyzer for secure remote alcohol monitoring.”

The device, known as the Automated Monitoring Portal, has a variety of features, such as: unlimited sobriety reports, text reminders to take the test, and text or emails to parents if the student misses or fails a test. After a test is taken, it automatically sends the results to the student’s parents for review.

Some parents are making ultimatums with their children, telling them they must take and pass the breathalyzer tests or they’ll be pulled from school. As I’m sure you can see, this is pretty serious stuff.

I’m no scientist, but I see one big flaw with this device. The geek squad over at SOBERLINK, Inc. must have never heard of pledges. If my parents tried making me take one of these, I’d just designate a Breathalyzer Pledge. Every night, when I’d have to take the test, I’d just have sober Breathalyzer Pledge do it for me. If for some reason you find yourself having to use the Automated Monitoring Portal, I suggest you do the same.

[via PR Newswire]

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BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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