I read a lot of history, and am also a sick pervert. So when I think about events like the prudish Puritans fleeing to America, I like to imagine they did so with Bibles clutched closely to their chests, and their children’s eyes averted, as their ship sailed painfully slowly out of the harbor, while thousands of men and women were just furiously blowing and banging each other on shore.
“Begone we will be from this new Sodom. And upon arrival in our new land we shall found a shining city on a hill.”
“Oy! One tallywackuh at a toime! You wait yer tern Thomas Havershom. Go on o’er by those barrels ‘o ale ‘n yank yerself ’til I’m ready fer ya.”
Stories like this only reinforce my warped but ultimately, I think, spiritually accurate view of history.
From The Daily Mail:
A coffee shop that is set open in Switzerland where customers can receive oral sex while they drink is considering using robots rather than real-life prostitutes.
The most amazing thing about this story is that the blow job coffee shop is going down (ha!) regardless, they’re just trying to figure out what will be blowing you. Originally they were planning on simply making this another ho-hum (I assume this sort of thing is ho-hum in at least half of Europe) blow-jay cafe, but they ran into a snag or two trying to use human prostitutes.
The outlet, which is due to be up and running in Geneva by the end of the year, was due to see men order a coffee before choosing their prostitute on an iPad.
Patrons would pay more than £40 for the hot drink and sex act, according to the firm Facegirl, which is modelling [sic] the idea on similar establishments in Thailand.
However, as the cafe has yet to receive the seal of approval from authorities in Geneva, the company behind the plans say they could use sex robots instead of women to carry out the services on offer.
Bradley Charvet from Facegirl told the Local that he had already been in contact with an American firm that manufactures the lifelike robot-women that cost up to £2,400.
A few things I gleaned here:
1) Facegirl is the perfect name for a company involved in this sort of venture. If I was writing this blow job coffee bar into a fictional story, I’d actually have to stop and have an internal debate about whether or not “Facegirl” was too on the nose.
2) Of course this was inspired by something in Thailand. Have you ever been to Thailand?* At the McDonalds there you can get a Big Mac with a side of anal.
3) TELL ME THE NAME OF THIS AMERICAN SEX ROBOT FIRM. NOW.
*I have not been to Thailand.
The real question of all this, though, is what would you prefer? Human prostitutes or sex robots? If we were living in the Westworld universe I’d go sex robots all the way. As it is, the sex robots of our reality are basically high tech blowup dolls with the intelligence of Siri on an iPhone that’s been dropped in a toilet. I’m not really about a rubbery Speak & Spell slobbing my knob five minutes after it blew some 63 year old man and then gargled with Purell. Hard pass.
Plus, have you been to a Starbucks? Or really any coffee house? All the tables and chairs are right next to each other. There’s absolutely no room. I don’t think I’d be able to concentrate with two dudes sitting next to me, having a bullshit business meeting, wherein one guy is trying to get the other to join his crappy sales team/pyramid scheme… while they’re also both getting sucked on by The Jetsons maid.
Not to mention, sending coffee back would be a nightmare.
“Excuse– excuuuuuuuse oh God. Oh… shit. Holy fuck. Excuse me? Yeah I didn’t order SUUUGARRRRRRRRRRROHMYGOD. I didn’t order sugar. Can you reMAAAAAAAKE hhhhlllllllllllllllllllllllll ahhhhhhhhhhhhh itttt’sssssss happpennningggggggggggg. Wo… wow. Oh man. Can I get this without sugar? Thanks. And thank you SückBôt*.”
*Just kidding, it’s an American sex robot, so I assume its name will be something like “The SuckMaster3000.”
Yeah I don’t think I can do this.
[via The Daily Mail]
Image via Shutterstock