New Technology Will Allow U.S. Soldiers to Shoot Lightning Bolts… FREAKIN’ LIGHTNING BOLTS!

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Technology wins modern day wars, plain and simple. This is why America, the most technologically advanced country in the world, continually kicks the living shit out of everyone stupid enough to mess with the U S of A. But now scientists in New Jersey are about to change the game with a new technology that allows soldiers to shoot a freaking lightning bolt at targets.

This weapon will be one of the most powerful machines ever built. “During the duration of the laser pulse, it can be putting out more power than a large city needs, but the pulse only lasts for two-trillionths of a second,” according to Tony Stark George Fischer, head scientist on the project.

But what if you’re not a good shot? Don’t worry about it, humans and most objects are better natural conductors than the ground, so the lightning bolt will naturally gravitate towards the designated target.

Our soldiers will soon have the ability to shoot terrorist seeking lightning bolts. It’s like Uncle Sam scaled Mount Olympus, kicked Zeus in his old balls, and stole his powers in the name of freedom.

I’m not going to lie, I no longer fear an invasion by super intelligent aliens. Soon U.S. Marines will be wielding godlike powers so that they can melt the face of any foreign enemy, be they terrorists or a race of lizard people from the Horsehead Nebula. It doesn’t matter, eat lightning motherfuckers.

Tests are currently being run on various targets, and according to the scientists working on the weapon the tests are pretty entertaining. “We never got tired of the lightning bolts zapping our simulated (targets),” said Fischer. One thing is certain: when this technology becomes battle-ready, we’ll only be extending our lead as the most powerful country in the world.

I hope the terrorists have fun trying to fall asleep at night knowing that 1.21 jiggawats of white, hot death is waiting for them.



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  1. -1

    I don’t like it. It’s only more pandering to the liberal elites that run the weather industry. Hurricane relief this, global warming that, if you ask me. Just another example of giving credit to science and denying the reality that lightning bolts aren’t streaks of electricity, but rather God’s splooge shots. Developing weapons like this will only warp the minds of our children and weaken the resolve of our allies. Thanks again, Obama.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 4 years ago
    • 1
      ice cold frat

      I think you misunderstand. The weapons were forged and blessed by Cardinals of the highest order in the Catholic Church. This isn’t science, it’s God’s will for America’s victory.

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 4 years ago

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