New York Man Charged With Harassment For Shooting A Cannon At His Neighbors

Email this to a friend

Nice Move

Disputes with the folks living next door happen from time to time. Sometimes, they just can’t be avoided. Maybe it’s because of a rivalry or maybe they’re pissed that your music is too loud, but whatever the reason, sometimes you and your neighbors just won’t get along. You could do the civilized thing and talk it out with them. You know, using reasoning and shit. Who has time for that, though? One citizen in a rural town in western New York sure didn’t.

52-year-old Brian Malta, a resident of Kiantone, New York, has been in an ongoing dispute with the people who live around him for some time. Maybe they weren’t mowing their grass or maybe their dogs were shitting on his lawn. Who knows? Regardless of the cause of the dispute, he apparently reached his breaking point recently. Mr. Malta didn’t knock on his neighbors’ doors and discuss things politely. No, that’s not his style. Instead, he repeatedly fired a Civil War cannon at his neighbors’ homes.

The cannon wasn’t loaded with live ammunition, but it did essentially have “blanks” in it, so to speak. If your school’s ROTC cadets fire a cannon at football games, he was essentially using the same stuff. Still, a powder charge and the wadding that holds it together makes a good deal of noise, and Malta’s neighbors were less than happy.

Somebody got fed up with his essentially harmless display of 19th Century light artillery techniques and called the cops. Fucking buzzkills, man. As you’d assume, the police came, arrested Malta, and charged him with three counts of harassment. In the grand scheme of things, that’s not too bad. I mean, I figured he’d get something a little more serious for, you know, firing a cannon, but I guess if it’s just blanks, you’re in the clear.

Now, I know some chapters out there may have old cannons out on their lawns. Personally, I’ve always thought that was really cool. Most of them are generally rendered inoperable, but you never know. If the assholes in the house next door are giving you trouble, I don’t advise shooting the cannon at them. Harassment charges aren’t something you want on your record. Also, on an unrelated note, if your cannon does happen to be functional, don’t go all Ashley Schaeffer on the pledges. That’ll be a tough one to explain to the jerks from headquarters:

[via Fox News]

***

BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

More From BlutarskyTFM »

Comments

You must be logged in to comment. Log in or create an account.

Click to Read Comments (6)