Pause this bad boy at 0:21. Those of you who caught this past Tuesday’s State of the Union Address may recognize that facial expression, commonly known in inner-Washington circles as the “Oral Massage Congress Into Taking Away Your Guns” face. Or, as it is alternatively referred to as on the set of Full House, the patented “Uncle Danny’s Tweaking Balls And Alone With Michelle Tanner Again” face.
Some of you creeps will probably jump the gun and judge this video to be sexual. There might even be conjecture that this PG-13 clip was leaked from Pornhub Premium’s free 24-hour trial period. Not me. All I see is a Canuck who has a fervent lust for ravenously gobbling up a commitment to proper dental hygiene.
Take notes on Lisa’s impeccable form, ladies. Clearly not her first oral rodeo, as evidenced by her co-anchor’s mile-wide, shit-eating, “She’s doing this, wow, she’s actually doing this, I hope every able-dicked dude in this room is watching what I am watching” grin of astonishment.
It is clear that Lisa’s technique finds anchor in a consistent ninety-degree elbow bend that provides for spontaneity, yet stability. Her left hand attentively crouches nearby, ready to cradle any extremities if need be. Then, there’s her 99-point, All-Madden wrist dexterity that was once believed to be mere myth prior to the game-changing Shake Weight Revolution of 2009.
One can’t help but think that, should Lisa not have limited herself to pantomime and actually wrapped her gums around what she craves most (a clean mouth), her fatigued tonsils would have looked like they were black, blue, and sang “Umbrella” as she gasped for air. This feverish process would have continued for a brief, but not impotent, period of time before finally being brought to a climactic finish when grape-scented, perhaps gargled, off-white paste oozed out of her exasperated, admired, yet somehow simultaneously unkissable mouth.
Nope, nothin’ sexual about that. Especially on a day like Valentine’s Day, that kind of hygienic mouth treatment is simply an expected, warmly-welcomed courtesy.