NFL Tight End Kellen Winslow Jr. Caught By Police Smoking Weed, Masturbating In Car Parked At Target

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Nice Move

Normally when you see an NFL player do anything that, uh, grounds them, I guess, you’re likely to hear something along the lines of, “NFL players! They’re just like regular people!” However, getting high and jerking off in a New Jersey Target parking lot isn’t so much grounding as it is degrading and embarrassing, so this warrants more of a, “NFL players! They’re just like hobos!” In this case, that hobo would be New York Jets Tight End Kellen Winslow, inexplicably giving himself a tugger in a Target parking lot after blazing up some synthetic marijuana.

When Jets tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. was arrested for possession of synthetic marijuana outside a Target in East Hanover back in November, police were called to the scene because a woman thought she saw him masturbating in his vehicle in the parking lot, according to court documents.

In the police report, the woman claimed she saw Winslow at full mast through his Escalade window. She sounds nosy.

As she exited her vehicle, she commented to the male regarding how cold it was. As she stood near the open driver side window of the Escalade, she observed the males [sic] erect penis. She stated that she believed he was masturbating. [The woman] provided a written statement regarding her account.

Goddammit. You expect this sort of behavior in a WalMart parking lot, sure, but Target? You don’t shop at a place classy enough to name their shitty generic brand food something like “Archer Farms” to see some dude whacking off in his car. When you go to Target you have expectations, dammit. Here, by the way, is my hierarchy of expectations for stores, in terms of where you should expect to see a random person masturbating:

K-Mart: The check out line, all aisles, specifically (and especially) the toy aisle, pretty much everywhere. You’re in K-Mart.
Walgreens/CVS: The bathrooms, the cosmetics aisle (usually right under the disembodied eyes picture hanging over the mascara).
WalMart: The dressing rooms, the women’s restroom, the sleeves of their Dora the Explorer pajamas, the parking lot.
Target: Nowhere, Kellen Winslow. Nowhere.

That seems accurate.

The best part of the Kellen Winslow story, though, is what he told the police when they asked, “Hey, uh, why are you getting high and beating off in this Target parking lot?”

When the cop asked Winslow what he was doing, Winslow allegedly said he was looking for Boston Market but was lost.

This is now what I’m going to tell police no matter what they’re asking me, or what my crime is. “I was looking for Boston Market, but I got lost.” I suggest you all do the same. This should be the standard Risk Management Chair response from now on.

[via NJ.com]

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