NHL Finds That Patrick Kane Did Not Commit Sexual Assault

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Nice Move

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The National Hockey League has called off its investigation of an alleged sexual assault by Blackhawks star forward Patrick Kane. The allegation stems from an incident in August when a 20-something woman claimed Kane assaulted her in his Buffalo home.

From ESPN:

“Based on its review, including the determination made by the Erie County District Attorney not to pursue charges, the NHL has concluded that the allegations made against Kane were unfounded,” the NHL announced. “The league considers the matter closed and will have no further comment.”

Way to beat that rap, Showtime! Of course, certain folks are going to put their own spin on this.

“Oh, a professional athlete WASN’T found guilty of sexual assault. Well color me shocked!” *proceeds to sip what is believed to be a chicory blend from the mountains of Acapulco but is actually half Folgers Instant blend and half barista piss*

Suck it and get a job, you smelly hippie. This investigation was sketchy from the get-go. Between the claims of evidence tampering and a general “crazy mom trying to cash in” vibe, everything about it stunk to high heaven. The truly sad thing about this situation is nobody wins. Kane has to deal with the shadow of “did he do it or not?” for the duration of his career, and actual victims of sexual assault are once again viewed with skepticism.

I’ll give the NHL a lot of credit. Those suits did their due diligence. Five months after the DA closed the investigation, they were still crossing Ts and dotting Is. For a league that is well known for not giving a shit about drug abuse, assault on cabbies, or basically anything short of Dany Heatley level behavior, they jumped on the Pat Kane situation quicker than Trump on a chance to talk about his dong.

Seeing as Coyotes defenseman Jarred Tinordi just got reamed out pretty good for a little bit of juicing, I’d like to think that the league would have dropped the hammer for something as serious as these allegations on one of their biggest stars. Sexual assault isn’t a punchline; it’s a despicable act performed by despicable people. Crazy 8s is a good time Charlie, but he’s not a monster.

There’s something to be said for Kane’s emotional and mental state in what had to have been trying times. As a guy with plenty of baggage on his résumé, he definitely handled the situation well en route to leading the league in points. Much like Brady post-Deflategate, Kane and the ‘Hawks are looking like men on a mission. If Showtime and the boys can make it two in a row, I can’t wait to see what kind of hijinx the Human Power Move gets involved in come May. Hopefully, it’ll be more Buffett concerts and fewer waking nightmares.

[via ESPN]

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Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in the mountains of NC where he wrestles black bears and attempts to grow a beard. Karl gave up liquor following an unfortunate incident involving tequila and a vacuum cleaner, but he isn't above a nice stout on the porch.

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