Most if not all self respecting college students these days hold a special place in their hearts for the hours of their childhood that were spent watching the beloved Nickelodeon show Rugrats. Portraying the awkward and naïve yet honest moments of a kid’s life via a mischievous band of talking babies, Rugrats captured the attention spans of an entire generation, before the advent of the ADHD-inducing internet. Because let’s be honest with ourselves here, Milf Hunter > Rugrats.
Although the show’s thirteen year run showed absolutely no progression in the babies’ ages (I’m not counting that All Grown Up shitpile), it’s a little known fact that the creators of the show originally intended for the kids to grow up progressively through the years. While the middle and high school phases were written as tributes to the all-encompassing benefits of rigorous masturbation, many critics (and by that I mean me) argue that the series truly would have blossomed if the long lost college episodes were put into production.
Lucky for you, a recent string of luck has put in my possession the episode guide for the planned but never produced first season of Rugrats: The Fraternity Years, and my utmost duty as a purveyor of Total Frat Gospel™ is to share these gems with the world.
“Don’t look at me, look at the ground you worthless piece of dirt,” the hulking individual exclaimed, as Tommy nervously shivered in his soaking wet blazer and tie. What started as just another adventure quickly escalated into a downward spiral of perpetual indentured servitude. As the gin-breathed sixth year handed him an overflowing cup of dipspit to hold steadily in his hand, a flashback begins where we see what led Tommy to this unfortunate point.
Tommy began college hopelessly naïve, just as many of us did. Rumors of the joy of fraternity life enticed him, but the hazing horror stories of years past made even the brave Tommy shudder in his Sperry Topsiders. While the humorous anecdotes of a popular fraternity parody website seemed to paint a slight picture, the blanks the site hadn’t filled in left him dreading the worst. After a deliberate and drawn out rush decision, Tommy concluded the rush process by joining the house that seemed “just too cool to haze me,” along with his lifelong companion Chuckie Finster.
From the first pledge meeting, Tommy knew he couldn’t have been more wrong. He found himself constantly within arm’s reach of needy brothers, and unable to walk through the house without fetching at least one drink or tying at least one shoe. His subsequent election as Pledge Class President only made matters worse, as nine times out of ten Tommy had to cover for his less motivated pledge brothers. Despite the constant challenges, Tommy ascended to become the self-proclaimed “best pledge” which is about as impressive as being the most qualified NFL replacement ref.
As the scene fades back into the present, Tommy is seen performing a sub-90 degree wall sit while reciting his house’s founding fathers, along with their birthdays and wives’ names, all while being berated incessantly for his lack of respect. As Tommy’s knees begin to buckle, he thinks forward to what life will be like a year from now. He imagines his brother Dil in the same uncompromising position, and himself as the one chewing Dil out for his endless list of unacceptable shortcomings. A smile comes on Tommy’s face, as his legs lock at an impressive 85-degree angle. Tommy begins “Alpha, sir! Beta, sir! Gamma, sir!” and continues screaming as the screen fades to black.
Chuckie Tries Cocaine
In this episode, the ever-nervous Chuckie hits rock bottom after a semester of striking out with girl after girl. Despite his good natured personality, Chuckie is a pimply ginger and virgin, and thus completely incapable of remaining calm when a vagina comes within a thirty foot radius of him. After asking his longtime (and slightly drug-addicted) friend Tommy for assistance, the duo go on a sprawling adventure through the ghetto underbelly of their quaint college town.
After following several crackheads through basements, and several “I don’t have any, but I know a guy” distractions, the two finally meet Pedro, a quick tempered dealer peddling bags of white powder that Tommy insists will make “all of Chuckie’s ‘problemses’* go away.”
The two return to their fraternity house triumphantly, with enough drugs in hand to kill a fully grown Reptar. Just before the nightly shenanigans begin, Chuckie snorts line after line off the top his deceased mother’s forehead in the Finster family photo.
The rest of Chuckie’s night is a continual blur of charismatic insanity, where he charms and impresses each female attendee and assures several female guests that “once they go red, they’ll give no one else head.” A particularly aroused Angelica takes note of Chuckie’s newfound confidence, drags him into the women’s restroom, and locks the door with a devilish grin on her face. After an hour-and-a-half of foreplay however, Angelica gives up hope when the cramps in her right arm become unbearable. Chuckie’s confidence is destroyed, and an overbearing theme of “drugs can only do so much” permeates as the episode fades to black.
Lil’ is a Lesbian?
After a miserable year of being known simply as “Phil’s kind of hot sister,” neglected twin Lillian Deville decides that a new leaf must be turned over to give her the collegiate identity she’s been craving. Though her sorority sisters get stuffed by dick after dick, night after night, Lil’ just doesn’t seem to be getting the attention she thinks she deserves (most likely because her uncanny resemblance to her brother makes the thought of porking her unbearably creepy).
At a run-of-the-mill “Cops and Robbers” social with her brother’s house, the solution dawns on her in a ray of attention-whoring light. She immediately stands on top of the nearest bar, completely disregarding the innumerable Jello shots beneath her, and grabs the nearest busty immoral sorority sister she can find. The two begin a vicious tongue slashing makeout session, as the enthusiastic cheers of Phil’s fraternity brothers echo across the halls into the bisexual night.
Phil enters the room just as his sister begins to casually unbutton her partner’s blouse, and a spew of whiskey-tinted vomit spews onto the floor after his sudden realization. Lil’ blushes, and quickly steps down from the bar, but not after sharing a long sensual gaze with her nearly-topless sorority sister. Phil, wiping the bile from the corner of his mouth, angrily storms away as Lillian stands dejected with an overbearing sense of regret. She proceeds to shovel down the previously ignored Jello-shots by the handful, and blacks out in a violent cyclone of shame.
After a cutaway montage of drunken debauchery Lil awakes in a posh, familiar room. She recognizes it as Room 13 of her beloved sorority house, which is on the other side of the building from her own room. Next to her lies the visibly naked busty sister from the night before, with a tempting smile on her face. As Lil’ rubs her aching head, she shrugs, dives headfirst under the covers, and the screen fades to black.
Angelica Gets Tested
Angelica had it all. After living her life with the shadow of the “babies” never far from her wake, Angelica was finally college bound, ready to make a new independent life for herself. Greek Life had always appealed to her, as she felt her innate catty bossiness would meld perfectly into the sorority world. After breezing through rush with thinly veiled sarcasm and an overt sense of entitlement, Angelica was drafted into the house on campus notorious for bidding the “hot, but slutty” girls.
While Angelica had spent her high school years missing multiple curfews in order to finish off backseat blowjobs before coming home and kissing her “daddy” Drew goodnight, she hadn’t yet blossomed into the sextress that her house’s letters had bestowed upon her. After a quick semester with Iota Sucka Delta, however, her playful childhood innocence was nowhere to be found.
Finding herself unable to boss fraternity guys around in the manner that she was used to, Angelica quickly resorted to the life of a Loft Monkey. By lingering at fraternity houses until 3AM on a nightly basis, Angelica became the “last second decision” for hordes upon hordes of desperate drunken fraternity men. By honing her sexual mindset, Angelica once again was able to boss her peers around, making guys jump through hoop after hoop before she would deliver her soon to be famous “Angeli-jobs.” Angelica was on cloud nine, and became an infamous figure on campus in no time at all. Everything seemed perfect, until her world came crashing down.
After a strange morning piss, accompanied by a burning sensation that seemed to be cast by the devil himself, Angelica scheduled a trip to the campus infirmary. After some typical bloodwork, the doctor returned with a forebodingly grim look on his face.
“Angelica, you have Chlamydia,” his somber tone resonated through her skull in a whirlwind of disbelief. Sure, she had heard the endless propaganda stream about STD safety throughout her adolescent years, but she couldn’t possibly believe it would ever happen to her. “How many sexual partners have you had?” the doctor continued. Angelica ran through the dozens in her brain.
Realizing she couldn’t count that high, she gave a defeated shrug to the physician, who condescendingly shook his head as he handed her a prescription for antibiotics.
“You shouldn’t have sex for the next two weeks,” the doctor warned, and the dread that was steadily consuming Angelica took the physical form of a single tear, smearing her mascara down her cheek. As the screen fades to black against her devastated figure, a public service announcement for the benefits of condom use begins to play.
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