“No Means No,” Plant Shitting, And Everything That Made College Football On New Year’s Day Awesome

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Nice Move

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Despite an ungodly headache from the night before paired with the early stages of a full-fledged cold, I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of New Year’s Day. Yes, I chugged DayQuil with no regard for mankind and I reeked of Vicks VapoRub, but my ass was firmly parked on the couch and college football was on my TV. If you made the mistake of being a contributing member of society yesterday and you missed out on plenty of great football (with the exception of the monstrous beat down Oregon laid on Florida State), here’s what you missed.



Wisconsin’s kicker and my new favorite college football player, Rafael Gaglianone, got the big stage he rightfully deserves. Over/under on how many beers big boy had the night before has to be no less than 13.5. He was not only the hero for Wisconsin yesterday — he hit the game-tying and game-winning field goals — but for dad bodies everywhere.

I see your fat guy field goal and raise you a fat guy touchdown. That can’t be his jersey, right? Seems a little snug.

Fifteen yards for hitting a defenseless player? How about for cold-blooded murder?


The only matchup from the Rose Bowl that was remotely close: the ball boys, Red Lightning versus Kwame Mitchell.

In real-time, I thought Jameis and the referee just tripped over themselves. After seeing this replay, it makes so much more sense.

I’m sure Florida State fans will take this well. After all, they never take anything personally or get offended by even the slightest rip of their Seminoles.

“It’ll be okay, babe. Wait, is that a camera? Shit. Maybe if I slowly remove my hand and have a look of sheer terror on my face, my fiancé — who is no doubt watching at home — will completely not think I’m with this guy beside me.”


Excuse me, ma’am, but that is not a toilet. Yes, this is New Orleans, but as a whole, the city is not a toilet. No, “Roll Tide!” is not an acceptable answer for your actions.

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