Not Making Excuses For Hitler, But Der Führer Hung Micro-Dong

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The more historians dig into the personal life of one of the most psychotic men to walk the face of the earth, the more the pieces of the “final solution” puzzle seem to fit together. Not to make excuses and humanize the prick responsible for systematically murdering forty percent of the Jewish population — we’ll leave that to a 12,000 word longform by SB Nation — but Adolf Hitler wasn’t exactly given a fair shake from the start and certainly never got much of a stroke at all.

It has already been confirmed that he was clapping around with one testie in his coin purse, and now, researchers believe Der Führer also suffered from a condition known as hypospadias. That’s micro-penis for all you non-genitalia academics.

From Daily Mail:

Prison documents show Hitler was examined by Dr Josef Brinsteiner in 1923 – and was found to have suffered from an undescended right testicle, according to Professor Peter Fleischmann.

Now in the new book Hitler’s Last Day: Minute by Minute, historians Jonathan Mayo and Emma Craigie claim he also suffered from a second deformity.

They wrote: ‘Hitler himself is believed to have had two forms of genital abnormality: an undescended testicle and a rare condition called penile hypospadias in which the urethra opens on the under side of the penis.’

Of course he wasn’t packing heat. He was brimming with insecurities that scream “I hang micro-dong.” In fact, no big dicked dude has ever been responsible for any atrocities in recorded history. Big dicked dudes are too busy doing big dick things to worry about anyone other than themselves.

And was there ever more of a model candidate for pre-crime than the button hung beta-male of Berlin? Homeboy was listed at about 5’9″, so more like 5’6″ or 5’7″ tops if we’ve learned anything from professional sports combines. It’s also speculated that he had some form of irritable bowel syndrome, so he spent a good portion of his free time violently shitting his rotting, evil organs out. Blend that all together with a manhood that looks like a baby carrot hiding behind a mashed up Fodder radish and suddenly things make much more sense.

[via Daily Mail]

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