Back when I was a supple young lad, my grandfather introduced me to the wonderful world of Duck Hunt. Screw your GoldenEyes and GTAs, Duck Hunt remains the benchmark of simulated American violence. Grandpa and 4-year-old me would spend hours battling avian flu on that NES. I’ll never forget when he would remove his Winston cigarette from his lips just long enough to lovingly scold me with his slurred, pants-less, Tennessee drawl, and scream, “Your virtual family’s not gonna feed itself, you un-providing Yankee sack of shit.” The lessons of life were taught much simpler back then.
See, it’s never too early to teach a child about the proper way to shoot a gun. If it weren’t for all those hours of alcohol-fueled, verbally abusive Duck Hunt sessions, God only knows the kind of soft-bellied, sensitive she-man I would have grown up to be. Thankfully, like any real American, my first conscious erection was from BLOOD LUST.
Now, I obviously don’t need to get into great detail about some of the high-profile gun tragedies that have swept the nation over the past few years. To be sincere for a brief moment, I’m completely exhausted by it. Gun violence is starting to adapt Bill Simmons’ “(Mike) Tyson Zone” theory: someone could throw out the most ridiculous, hyperbolic story that’s related to guns, and it wouldn’t even begin to shock you. You’d probably even believe it.
That’s why the questions people around this heartbroken country are asking aren’t liberal hogwash like, “What will we do about mental health?” or “Why is mental health only an issue when the shooter is white?” or even “What role does the media play in perpetuating these acts?” Needless to say, the main question absolutely isn’t, “What should we do about high-powered guns?” because that would be ridiculous, and borderline treasonous. To even have that discussion about having that discussion would be
far too common sensed and a natural reaction to anyone who has the slightest shred of self-awareness and/or rationality COMMUNIST! COMMUNIST RAPING FREEDOM UP ITS DICKHOLE!
No, the real question everyone’s practically screaming is “How can we get our toddlers to start packing heat in their Pampers?” The only gun that can take out a bad gun, is a good gun…wielded by a person who just mastered potty training.
Ready, aim, misfire!
Ugh. You’re really going to lead off with that? You are a professional journalist in a mainstream publication. I am a sarcastic, borderline sociopathic dick joke blogger who writes for an audience of predominately 18 to 26-year-old loveable, but extremely idiotic, alcoholics. WE ARE NOT THE SAME. Act like a fucking professional, you ass wipe.
Exactly one month after the Newtown school massacre, the National Rifle Association has launched a free iPhone and iPad shooting game offering kids as young as 4 a chance to fire guns at coffin-shaped targets.
The free game, “NRA: Practice Range,” is offered on iTunes and allows would-be snipers to choose a weapon to fire at an indoor gun range, an outdoor range or for skeet shooting practice.
For 99 cents extra, players can “unlock” higher-capacity guns similar to one Adam Lanza used in the Sandy Hook massacre, including AK-47 assault rifles and an M-11 sniper rifles.
God, guns, and blowing the nutsack off anyone who dares put their Play-Doh in your cubby, as I always say. Thank God for the NRA, friends. Thank God for the NRA making effortlessly firing off an AR-15 no harder a task for a 4-year-old to condition himself to than tying his shoes “bunny rabbit style.”
Ed. Note: Fuck you, bunny rabbit style, I still can’t do loop-de-whatever the hell it’s called…I’M SMART, DAMMIT! – J Parks
Let us not forget, any semblance of innocence and childhood, and least of all educated discussion, have no place in the efficient, rational, emotionless 21st Century. That’s why the greatness of the NRA’s conditioning via video game is two-sided. On one hand, the game is instilling in children a familiarity with guns so omnipresent, that when they grow up, they’ll be unlikely to ever second-guess why they own a gun. On the other, this proud lobby is helping our children to never feel pain again, by conditioning them, via putting simulated death devices in their hands at the age of FOUR, to never give thought to the causes or ramifications of gun violence. People die because of guns. Get over it, stop being a pussy, just shut up and watch your Blue’s Clues. It’s just the way it’s always been, and always will be. And that’s a damn good and honorable thing.
For our entire lives, we’ve heard about desensitization, and it looks like that issue is finally coming to an end.
After all, the best way to stop the desensitization of our children is to never let our children sensitize to begin with.
Image via Kotaku