NRA Releases Shooting Video Game Listed For Ages 4 And Up

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Back when I was a supple young lad, my grandfather introduced me to the wonderful world of Duck Hunt. Screw your GoldenEyes and GTAs, Duck Hunt remains the benchmark of simulated American violence. Grandpa and 4-year-old me would spend hours battling avian flu on that NES. I’ll never forget when he would remove his Winston cigarette from his lips just long enough to lovingly scold me with his slurred, pants-less, Tennessee drawl, and scream, “Your virtual family’s not gonna feed itself, you un-providing Yankee sack of shit.” The lessons of life were taught much simpler back then.

See, it’s never too early to teach a child about the proper way to shoot a gun. If it weren’t for all those hours of alcohol-fueled, verbally abusive Duck Hunt sessions, God only knows the kind of soft-bellied, sensitive she-man I would have grown up to be. Thankfully, like any real American, my first conscious erection was from BLOOD LUST.

Now, I obviously don’t need to get into great detail about some of the high-profile gun tragedies that have swept the nation over the past few years. To be sincere for a brief moment, I’m completely exhausted by it. Gun violence is starting to adapt Bill Simmons’ “(Mike) Tyson Zone” theory: someone could throw out the most ridiculous, hyperbolic story that’s related to guns, and it wouldn’t even begin to shock you. You’d probably even believe it.

That’s why the questions people around this heartbroken country are asking aren’t liberal hogwash like, “What will we do about mental health?” or “Why is mental health only an issue when the shooter is white?” or even “What role does the media play in perpetuating these acts?” Needless to say, the main question absolutely isn’t, “What should we do about high-powered guns?” because that would be ridiculous, and borderline treasonous. To even have that discussion about having that discussion would be far too common sensed and a natural reaction to anyone who has the slightest shred of self-awareness and/or rationality COMMUNIST! COMMUNIST RAPING FREEDOM UP ITS DICKHOLE!

No, the real question everyone’s practically screaming is “How can we get our toddlers to start packing heat in their Pampers?” The only gun that can take out a bad gun, is a good gun…wielded by a person who just mastered potty training.

Thank God for the innovative sons of bitches over at the National Rifle Association.

Ready, aim, misfire!

Ugh. You’re really going to lead off with that? You are a professional journalist in a mainstream publication. I am a sarcastic, borderline sociopathic dick joke blogger who writes for an audience of predominately 18 to 26-year-old loveable, but extremely idiotic, alcoholics. WE ARE NOT THE SAME. Act like a fucking professional, you ass wipe.

Exactly one month after the Newtown school massacre, the National Rifle Association has launched a free iPhone and iPad shooting game offering kids as young as 4 a chance to fire guns at coffin-shaped targets.

The free game, “NRA: Practice Range,” is offered on iTunes and allows would-be snipers to choose a weapon to fire at an indoor gun range, an outdoor range or for skeet shooting practice.

For 99 cents extra, players can “unlock” higher-capacity guns similar to one Adam Lanza used in the Sandy Hook massacre, including AK-47 assault rifles and an M-11 sniper rifles.

God, guns, and blowing the nutsack off anyone who dares put their Play-Doh in your cubby, as I always say. Thank God for the NRA, friends. Thank God for the NRA making effortlessly firing off an AR-15 no harder a task for a 4-year-old to condition himself to than tying his shoes “bunny rabbit style.”

Ed. Note: Fuck you, bunny rabbit style, I still can’t do loop-de-whatever the hell it’s called…I’M SMART, DAMMIT! – J Parks

Let us not forget, any semblance of innocence and childhood, and least of all educated discussion, have no place in the efficient, rational, emotionless 21st Century. That’s why the greatness of the NRA’s conditioning via video game is two-sided. On one hand, the game is instilling in children a familiarity with guns so omnipresent, that when they grow up, they’ll be unlikely to ever second-guess why they own a gun. On the other, this proud lobby is helping our children to never feel pain again, by conditioning them, via putting simulated death devices in their hands at the age of FOUR, to never give thought to the causes or ramifications of gun violence. People die because of guns. Get over it, stop being a pussy, just shut up and watch your Blue’s Clues. It’s just the way it’s always been, and always will be. And that’s a damn good and honorable thing.

For our entire lives, we’ve heard about desensitization, and it looks like that issue is finally coming to an end.

After all, the best way to stop the desensitization of our children is to never let our children sensitize to begin with.

[Via Daily News]

Image via Kotaku

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  1. J Parks

    To the Buzzfeed generation of Internet users:
    Let me give you a brief thumbnail of what was actually said in this:

    -I never once advocated taking away anyone’s guns. Rather, in the fourth paragraph, I clearly invited discussion of the issue. For people to discuss the role of mental health and our lack of understanding of the human brain. For people to discuss why people never ask why no one questions the mental health of a black guy who shoots into a crowd of people. That is not playing a “race card” against white people, TD (someone who’s always been a reasonable commenter on this site); that is calling for the media, authorities, etc to hold all other races/cultures to the same standard. It’s quite the opposite of a race card against whites.

    -And that was only a secondary point. The MAIN point of this was that the NRA is acting liking self-serving douchebags who hold no regard for the fact that they just came out with a shooting practice video game that can be played by FOUR (!!!!) year olds (a month after Newtown, nonetheless).

    -No one is attacking your second. What is being attacked is the reckless subjection of children (seemingly because of the NRA’s “because we can” attitude) to this world of the second amendment that is perhaps fine for mature adults, even teens, but has NO PLACE in the preschool.

    tl;dr- less words, more boobs.

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    • Seal Team Six

      I don’t know how many 4 year olds have iPhones so this game shouldn’t even be an issue. Anyway, I’m sure there are a ton of parents who have bought Call of Duty or other shooters for their 4-10 year olds anyway.

      Back in the day (going back to when I was FIVE YEARS OLD) the game to play used to be either cops and robbers, or cowboys and indians. And let me tell you, there was a whole lot more shooting in those games than any iPhone video game a 4 year old can get their hands on.

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    • NativeFloridaCracker

      ^^ poor bastard. Has to explain to his target demographic. Quote from above.

      “I am a sarcastic, borderline sociopathic dick joke blogger who writes for an audience of predominately 18 to 26-year-old loveable, but extremely idiotic, alcoholics.”

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  2. POIDH

    Misuse of guns has to do with the culture the owners come from. In northern suburban towns, most exposure to guns is only through video games and Hollywood, so they are associated with violence. In southern areas they are associated with sport. I can’t remember the last time I heard a story of a farmer who owned a rifle to protect his cattle from predators that snapped and used that rifle to kill people. Sure, limit gun ownership to certain people, but don’t take it away from everyone who use firearms responsibly in their daily lives.

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    • Tallapoosa Snu

      Good point. I live in the south and every time I see an AR-15 or something in a gun store I can’t help but think “what in the hell is that doing here?” I’d take a good hunting rifle or shotgun any day over some target shooting expensive ammo crap. But some people have a hell of a lot of fun with ‘em, so they should have evry right to. Plus, the semi-auto mechanism isn’t much different in an AR-15 than it is in a little 5 shot .22LR for hunting possums. They can’t outlaw that.

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    • thuddy1855

      Couldn’t agree more with you ^^

      My father educated me with firearms before he even took me to the shooting range. I had already passed hunter safety before I ever shot a .22. The main reason I see people being scared of these “assault rifles” is because they aren’t educated in firearms or firearm safety. Like you stated above, the majority of people in surburban areas (read liberal) are more than likely exposed to firearms via video games and hollywood. This seems like it would cause more accidental shootings when they come across a firearm, more than any other psycho.
      I think the best way to deal with these anti gun activists is to educate them on firearms, and explain that banning any type of firearm won’t stop a massacre by happening. Show them the amount of mass murders in china where the killer uses a knife NOT a firearm. Show them how even with another ar-15 ban that criminals will still use firearms against innocent people (columbine was in the period of the first assault weapons ban)

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    • Connectifrat

      I agree with all of you gents but lets not limit this to the South. I live in Upstate New York (Hours away from those liberal pussies in NYC, that place can burn for all I give a shit) and Hunting is my favorite activity, along with my father, and brother. My father introduced us to guns at a very young age and we learned they weren’t toys. The north can be country too.

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  3. nintenbro64_

    JParks, I’ve always given you the benefit of the doubt on not being a raging cock monger, but now I literally absolutely hate you.

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  4. fratcentral

    My dad took me out to the woods when I was 4 or 5, and taught me how to shoot a .357 Magnum. He explained to me safety, why we love and protect our guns, and why we are Americans. He explained to me why we treat our guns with respect, and I was always the first person to correct my younger brother’s occasional recklessness with his BB Gun. Enough is enough with this anti-gun bull shit. Man up, teach your boy how to be responsible instead of pawning him off on someone else, and be a God damned man for once.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
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  5. Serious About Boats

    Ok, Parks. I kinda like you. So I am going to tell you that last thing about owning guns (in any fashion) is wrong as shit. When I was a 10th grader, my econ teacher told us to raise our hand if there was a gun in our house. Everybody but the foreign exchange student from Germany raised their hands. His eyes became as large as lemons (alliteration, I haz it).I can tell you that to this day, no one from my highschool has been shot. None of us have been mercilessly slaughtered since then. I’m not going to tell you that it’s because psychos are scared of guns. I’m going to tell you that there are fucking crazy people out there and some of them want to kill us. Not selling assault rifles to psychos won’t stop them from being fucking crazy so stop acting so high and mighty.

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  6. DFlo

    This article is terrible. The 2nd Amendment exists for a reason Parks. I don’t understand why anyone needs (or would even want) a full or even semi, but that’s within their rights. The issue isn’t guns, it’s the fucking crazy people who think shooting up a school is a good idea. Think of how many sane Americans own guns that never intend on using them to harm another person. Homicidal maniacs are just that – homicidal. If we were to ban guns or instill a ban on certain mag sizes, who do you think will be punished by this? The law abiding citizens, or the ones who intend on doing damage? All the gun laws in the world won’t effectively reduce firearm casualties, they’ll only hurt those who follow the laws in the first place (i.e. those who use a gun for recreation or self-defense). Frankly, this article is shit.

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