Let’s be real — nobody looks back at their old social media posts and thinks, “man, I used to be so cool.”
Here’s how life works. You start off cool from birth because you poop your pants every day with zero regard. You get progressively less cool after you’re potty trained, then you bottom out during middle school/early high school. You get a slight bump when you get your learner’s permit, and then keep on climbing at a slow-yet-steady pace until you get your driver’s license. From there on, you climb and climb and climb like you’re Tenzing fucking Norgay until college graduation, when you fall back down to middle school levels of coolness. Yes, this means babies who poop their pants all day are cooler than post grads. As a post grad myself, I look up to babies with shit-filled diapers as role model. Let that sink in and get ready to graduate, seniors!!!
My point here is that we all used to be lame adolescents that thought we were cool as shit at the time. Carson Wentz, whom the Philadelphia Eagles just selected with the number 2 overall pick in the NFL draft, is no exception. He has some pretty cringeworthy Facebook posts from high school that we can all relate to.
Here are his statuses, power ranked.
7. super bowl vikes? – C’mon, Carson. You have to know better than that.
6. twins 🙁 – Seriously, Carson. It’s Minnesota sports. Stop having faith.
5. I hate math – As TFM writer Harrison pointed out, it’s a good thing Pederson is in. Gotta know math to fit into that Chip Kelly offense.
4. No more high school – Very sentimental. Almost humanizingly so.
3. Deion rubbed my ass today.. – Facebook was 100% the correct setting in which to post this.
2. no fat chicks – Truer words were never spoken.
1. i just got worm holed 😉 – I had to hit up Urban Dictionary for this one.
I can’t blame Carson for having a God-awful Facebook game back in high school. Sure, he might have been 17/18 and Facebooking at a 14/15 year-old level, but he lived in North Dakota. Not much to do up there, I assume. I don’t really know anything about North Dakota, to be honest. I mean, for all I know, Carson Wentz is the only person to ever live in North Dakota. The meager/potentially nonexistent amount of social interaction you undoubtedly have if you live in North Dakota is sure to stunt your social skills, so I’m not surprised that Carson’s social media skills were affected as a result.
I’ll throw you a bone here, Carson. Here are some of my social media posts from high school.
We’re not so different, Carson and I..
We originally missed the best one of all, but Twitter user @ghuelsmann10 had our backs.
Carson Wentz in 2011 about the NFL…