Nursing Home Hires Hookers To Fulfill Dying Residents’ Last Wishes

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A nursing home in Britain is coming under scrutiny after authorities have accused them of hiring prostitutes for their residents. The nursing home is accused of scheduling regular visits for their residents with ‘sex workers’ in a special room that is presumably referred to as Jizzneyland.

Residents put a ‘special red sock’ on the door for privacy concerns and caregivers check on the room every fifteen minutes. The sock is probably for the benefit of the caregivers. The last thing they want to see is grandpa’s liver-spotted head buried face-deep in some young harlot’s lap. You know grandpa doesn’t give a shit if somebody walks in on him. He’s just happy to be eating something other than Metamucil and Werther’s Originals.

A representative of the nursing home said that these working girls offer a service that is both therapeutic to residents and helpful for the staff. She continued, “If you have a resident who is groping staff, one way of resolving that problem is to get a sex worker in who is trained to deal with that situation.”

This practice probably results in better care for the patient, as well. Imagine some creepy old geezer, named Furry Murray or something, who tries to burrow his boney index finger into his poor nurse’s backside every time she tries to change his colostomy bag. Do you think she’s going to want to go above-and-beyond the call of duty for him? Hell no. She’s going to do the bare minimum and avoid him like the plague, which lowers the level of care for old Murray.

But it’s not Murray’s fault. As the nursing home representative said, he’s got “primeval needs” that aren’t being met. So get Murray a hand release and a little nipple torture from a trained professional every once in awhile, and he’ll probably calm down and be a good boy when his nurse is around.

But, surprising to no one, there are some people out there that want to rain on this parade. The local city council is looking into the practice to make sure residents are not being harmed. Being harmed? Give me a break. What’s the worst that could happen? Grandpa shatters a hip trying to pull off some barbaric sex act? Big deal. Before this, the highlight of his day was when the blonde nurse came around with the rectal thermometer, so I’m sure he’ll assume the risks.

The city council may shut this one down, but according to a recent article in Slate, there is an emerging market for this type of service. The article stated that about a quarter of Americans between the ages of 75-85 were still sexually active. A representative of the nursing home industry said, “We’re talking about a mixed-sex population living in close quarters with almost endless amounts of free time. Already, staffers routinely field patient requests for personal lubricants, pornographic magazines, larger-size beds, and prescriptions for Viagra. And that’s with the 1.6 million elderly residents who came of age before the sexual revolution. Within a few decades, nursing homes will be replete with the desires and expectations of almost 7 million liberated baby boomers.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa – porn mags? Its 2013. That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard and it’s bordering on elderly abuse. Somebody needs to get grandpa a smart phone and a subscription to a few German sites. Watching a few krauts get punished will not only arouse him, but also bring back some fond memories.

All joking aside, I think this will have an extremely positive effect on society. No one wants to think about ending up in a nursing home, because it’s such a depressing thought. But if you’ve got a little pot of gold like this waiting for you at the end of the rainbow, you might spend a little more time planning for your end-of-life care. It will also encourage you to work harder and save more money throughout your career. Since reading this article, I’ve already vowed to never light another cigar with a burning $100 bill again because I want to make sure that I can afford top-shelf trim when I’m 90 years old.

[via Huffington Post]

Image via Meals on Wheels

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  1. 24
    Douglas MacArthur

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    Knuck Knuck Moose

    Some of these guys fought for freedom during WWII. The least the city council could do is let the old fogies get in one last old-fashioned fuck sesh before they kick the bucket.

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    Rahad Jackson

    So what your telling me is in order for me to get laid, I need to start smoking my crack in nursing homes instead of my house that is filled with Asians throwing fire crackers???….I’m game if you bring the ball gag and coke.

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