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October Is For Basic Bitches

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October is one hell of a month. You could go so far as to say that October is a “man’s man” month. Men watch sports, a lot. It’s what we’re genetically engineered to do. October is the one month that provides a little of something for every sports fan. The NFL and college football are in full swing, and MLB’s postseason is heating up while the NBA and NHL are set for opening day.

However, it’s not all walk-off home runs, Hail Mary endings, alley oops, and hat tricks — October weekends are sacred for the girls. First October giveth to men, and then women taketh all away.

We are in the midst of the most basic bitch month of the year. Don’t believe me? Go ahead and open up any form of social media and scroll through your newsfeed. I’ll go out on a limb and say it’s flooded with the following:

Engagement-Like Photo Albums

You’ve already had your balls picked; now it’s time to move on to apples and/or pumpkins. Matching flannels are the worst, and a must. Walking around a farm with shitty cell phone service is brutal enough. Letting everyone know your significant other laid out your outfit this morning only adds insult to injury.

Don’t forget to wear that belt she bought you as a “just because” gift last week. Spoiler: It matches the boots she bought you for Christmas last year just for this photo op.

“Honey, how cute are those stacks of hay over there placed in the perfect staggering positioning? Ask that perfectly content stranger who is minding his own business if he minds taking a few dozen photos of us using filters from my pre-approved list.”

Can you say new default photo? One of these might even make the coveted Facebook cover photo slot if you’re able to capture that perfect horizontal shot…

Kids

Kids give girls a chance to relive their Barbie doll days and play dress up. There’s no better way to show that your kid is better than everyone else’s kid than by spending a boatload of money on an outfit that will only ever be worn one time before they grow out of it. The photo of the whole damn fam in matching flannels will make it all worth it. Talk about A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E.

Apples and Pumpkins and Cider, Oh my!

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But what the fuck do you do with a whole bushel of apples with only a week before they spoil? I guess they can be used to throw at the mirror the next time you look at yourself and realize how far your life has fallen. I would say tomorrow will be a better day, but that will also be ruined once that photo of you drinking a non-alcoholic cider while sitting in a little red wagon hits the internet.

Pumpkin flavoring is alright. There is a time and place for it. I’ll have a pumpkin beer every now and again in the fall. Am I going to brew my own? No. Am I going to use pumpkin to make any actual meals? No. So pick one, and only one, to bring home and carve out your precious couple’s jack-o-lantern that will inevitably be cut into a character from Frozen.

Despite popular belief, pumpkins do not need a friend, or five, to survive on your front steps.

Accessories

Remember how fast that last paycheck disappeared from your checking account? The bank didn’t make a mistake. Your girlfriend is wearing it. She HAD to get that wool hat, and the matching scarf, which went perfectly with that vest, and those insanely overpriced weathered jeans that give the appearance of years of wear and tear and don’t forget the boots!

“The high is only 65 on Saturday? I better get a new north face jacket while I’m at it.”

Mazes, Pumpkin Guns and Farm Stands

As if your day couldn’t get any worse, now you get to walk through a maze that’s almost easier to get through than the Rutgers defense. I do have a solution, though: Take a page out of the American Gladiators playbook and have someone with one of those pumpkin chunk shooting guns on a podium trying to shoot you while going through the maze. Now we’re talking!

The drive home can’t begin until you make a quick stop at the farm stand. And by quick stop I mean spending an hour debating which mini pumpkins and discolored rotted looking corn on the cob you’re going to bring home and decorate the mantle with.

Collages and TBTs

Your little day-cation isn’t over when you get home. Not by a long shot. Now comes the full week, maybe even two, of photos to remind your closest internet friends of how much fun you had missing that double-OT thriller.

Saturday: Selfies with the apple trees or pumpkin patch field.
Sunday: Couple/family shot…I can’t think of a better way to show everyone that you had a better weekend than them.
Monday: MCM – Every girl needs to show off how well you followed orders much fun you had spending the entire day with her, far away from a TV.
Tuesday: “Funny” poses. You know, like the one where you can literally see your back breaking as you struggle to lift a pumping you can’t even wrap your arms around. Maybe a shot of the two of you putting your face through one of those painted character boards. Those are always a riot!
Wednesday: The pressure is on you, men. She won’t get mad at you; she will just be disappointed if you don’t dig up a WCW photo of her in that outfit she spent all of your hard-earned money on.
Thursday: TBT! Time to remind the world that you went pumpkin and/or apple picking five whole days ago! Let’s make it a collage so everyone gets the full experience.
Friday: Apple pie baking or pumpkin carving candid shots.

Don’t worry — it’s not too late for some of you out there. Do your homework and your trip bobbing for apples can be made manageable. Here are my tips for keeping what little dignity you might have left:

The bye week is your friend.

If you’re going to do this, do it on a day that works for you – just don’t tell your girlfriend that. Do your homework and find out when your favorite team is on a bye week.

“Babe, you know that pumpkin picking trip you wanted to go on? Well, I was just looking over my schedule with what’s coming up at work and October 16 would work great for me.”

Sure, you’ll miss out on the agony that is monitoring your fantasy team on the red zone channel all day, but at least the damage has been limited. Pulling off an afternoon date on a bye week is a win-win.

Take a personal day.

Sometimes you might have to sacrifice some precious vacation time in order to enjoy your weekend afternoons guilt free. Try recommending that the two of you take a random weekday off to “avoid the crowds and traffic.” She’ll bite and probably even find it romantic that you wanted the day to be more of a private occasion for just the two of you. Sure, that’s exactly what you were thinking.

That day off could cost you a summer Friday down the road. But it will be well worth it to pig out on the couch in your sweatpants while gambling on a game between two colleges you’ve never seen play before.

Timing is everything.

If all else fails, turn your attention to clock management. Look for that 4:25 start time on the schedule or the powder puff game against a 1-AA school. Pack that car the night before and hit the road at the crack of dawn.

Best case scenario, you’re home in time to hear Brent Musburger say the words “You’re looking live…” prior to kickoff. Worst case scenario, you’re home by half time to watch Terry Bradshaw forget where he is as he runs through a highlight reel.

Remember the unspoken form of communication between suffering men on unwanted dates: Give your fellow comrades a subtle head nod (their hands will be full of apples) and pick me out a state fair worthy pumpkin.

Have fun these next few weekends. I’ll be home on the couch, laughing at the late scratch you missed in your fantasy starting lineup. How ‘bout them apples?

P.S. Ice skating and Christmas tree chopping will be here before you know it.

P.P.S. In a shocking revelation, I’m still single.

Image via Shutterstock

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LifeOfaReilly

If you take everything I've accomplished in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent!

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