Off The Menu: Cheesy Gordita Crunch

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Here’s the thing. If you’ve ever had the shits from steamrolling a dozen burritos or tacos from Taco Bell, you’re either an absolute squid or a total limp-wrist. This column won’t be for you, dude. I’m sorry. If you’re a champion alcohol consumer who, after slamming about a dozen or so shots of Jager and downing 11 bottles of High Life before craving the most base of fast foods (likely prepared by one of the sweatiest human beings you’ve ever seen) this will be your jam. I say this with absolute confidence.

We’ve all been there: too drunk or high to even function, yet craving something that’ll put our entire week of working out to shame. Something that, to a lesser man, would prove daunting. Something that the smoke at the bar you were macking it to all night (who most likely gave you her roommate’s number) would never touch. She might even think less of you if she knew you ate it. Or even thought about eating it.

But in this drunken, silly state, who cares? Daddy needs food, am I right?

Anyway, onto the show–this week, the Cheesy Gordita Crunch from the Vatican of shitty fast food places, Taco Bell.

I adore Taco Bell. I always have, always will. I’ve really been trying to watch my girlish figure (AKA I’m fat) but the chime of those Mexican-ish bells always draw me in. I can live without McDonald’s or Wendy’s or whatever, but Taco Bell is my harshest mistress. She gives me so much, yet requires so little. While I enjoy her, she treats me right and surprises me with her multiple layers of delight. Is my order wrong 75 percent of the time I go to Taco Bell? Yes, it is. Does that stop me from going there? Well, does being too drunk stop you from texting that little sport-fuck you met at your neighborhood booze hole? Nope.

I like the off the menu stuff at fast food joints. You won’t find these things everywhere, but the Cheesy Gordita Crunch is actually one of the more common foods. It’s crunchy. Cheesy. Delicious. There’s beef in there, too. While I don’t usually eat beef in any form, I make an exception for my girlfriend, Taco Bell. Even though it’s likely horse and made out of colon cancer, I still dive right in like the sap I am.

The Cheesy Gordita Crunch is something of a culinary adventure, usually resulting in yearning for its return moments after devouring it. The best thing about the Cheesy Gordita Crunch is that it has this spicy, tangy cheese sauce that’s pretty much the best thing ever. If it came in powder form, I’d snort the shit. That’s how good it is. The soft shell around the hard shell might draw comparisons to the double-layer taco introduced a while back, but that shit is child’s play compared to the Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

The Crunch, as I affectionately call it, has lettuce on it, along with cheese. I don’t know if it’s T-Bell’s cheesiest offering, but I’ll be damned if I can think of a cheesier option on the menu. It also seems humongous, too, which is nice, especially when you realize that you’re basically eating like a king at Taco Bell for around $7.38 each time you go.

While I try to avoid fast food, I do indulge from time to time. When I do, I’ll continue ordering off the menu items for you freaks, just so you can get an idea of what you should order when you roll out from underneath that slampig who you thought looked like a “slightly heavy Katy Perry,” but really just looked like Robert Baratheon from “Game of Thrones.”

Without question, I give the Cheesy Gordita Crunch a nine out of 10–a solid and stout nine that I’d pair with just about any IPA on the market.

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