NORMAN — Shock and disappointment has quickly turned into bitterness and animosity around the Delta Pi house as news broke that rising senior and two-time “Most Athletic Greek” Chris Jenkins will not be putting on his letters for second summer semester intramurals. Instead, Jenkins has opted to take his talents to the White Knuckle Shuffle, a non-affiliated super team consisting of members from multiple fraternities around campus.
“Honestly, it caught us completely off guard,” says pledge brother Randy Hoffman. “We were a blown call away from reaching the dodgeball finals in the spring, and if ‘Chubs’ doesn’t get popped with jungle juice in his Gatorade bottle, a fake student ID, or vomit on himself in net during floor hockey, we’re probably not having this conversation.”
The move by Jenkins — objectively speaking — makes sense. He’s been regarded as a top 3 player on Greek Row since rushing back in fall of 2013, yet he’s failed to capture that elusive IM Champion T-shirt for any sport. He, along with Hoffman, have been an unparalleled dynamic duo that have carried a low-tier Delta Pi squad to intramural relevance, but they simply don’t have enough talent to get over the hump.
“They should be thankful he wanted to rush his old man’s house to begin with,” Beta Gamma Omega member and White Knuckle Shuffle teammate Chase Donoher tells TFM. “Those squids wouldn’t be in Comp A if it wasn’t for the kid. Sorry he finally wants to win for a change.”
That line of thought clearly hasn’t resonated with his fellow brothers. Jenkins composite pictures have been vandalized with male genitalia and the chapter blazer he received during initiation was used as fuel for a backyard bonfire.
“Kind of a bitch move,” voiced Delta Pi president Wes Lowry. “What happened to the competitive spirit in this country? What happened to rivalries? Donoher literally convinced every sorority at this school that our house — Jenkins included — was dealing with a Zika outbreak after our septic tank overflew into our front lawn, the cause of which they said was a superabundant amount of jerkoff-stained tissues clogging up our pipes… and now he’s teaming up with that son of bitch? Absolutely spineless.”
The criticism expands well outside of Jenkins’ brotherhood. Other summer league teams have expressed their displeasure with Rec and Wellness Center officials.
“What’s the point of even having competitive summer semester sports now?” expressed independent and First-Down Syndrome player Norm Simpson. “Might as well just hand them those dry fit championship shirts now and not waste anyone’s time.”
We reached out to Jenkins for comment and he seemed utterly confused.
“I thought Randy missed the meetings and forgot to sign up teams for the season. Not that it matters. It’s summer semester. None of this goes towards Greek Cup anyways. I’m just happy to be playing. Side note, has anyone seen my sports coat?”
When we pressed an otherwise open Hoffman about failing to sign up a fraternity team, he suddenly went radio silent. But thanks to a leaked drunken GroupMe message, we were able to confirm that was indeed the case.
“done fucked up. ims a no go. my b” – RH.