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Ole Miss Rushee Passes Out Résumés To Fraternities To Land Bids, Is The Most Sought After Recruit In The Country

Imagine if companies interviewed anyone who applied for an open position. It would be a colossal waste of time, money, and resources. Well, during formal rush week, that’s exactly what recruitment turns into. Any dingleberry can walk into the house or tent and occupy a member’s attention that could otherwise be better spent. It could be five minutes or five seconds of conversation, it doesn’t matter, and as soon as they step foot onto our property, they’re hindering the expansion of our organizations. It’s always these misfits who do the most damage on the catered food, too. They slip by, unnoticed, and knock out half of a Chick-fil-A nugget plate before getting shown the door. Savages, all of them.

That’s why I have no problem with this rushee slinging résumés during his initial interaction with the fraternities at Ole Miss. In fact, I motion that we make this a prerequisite for when kids register with IFC. That way, exec board and the chapter’s recruitment chair can act as an HR department, sort through the mostly steaming pile of shit, and only invite potentials who aren’t complete goobs to events.

This kid was simply being considerate of others, passing his credentials and moving on rather than trying to bullshit about how faded he used to get back in high school. The fact that this fire list of accomplishments below results in zero bids is a modern day tragedy.

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Certified pilot? Check. Outdoorsy? Yup. Business savvy? You know it. Seems like a can’t miss, blue-chip prospect with impressive Greek pedigree. Not one damn bid?

I will say, though, the paper itself looks like a flier some toddler posts to streetlights around the neighborhood when their three-legged cat suddenly goes missing and their parents don’t have the heart to tell little Johnny that they ran Mittens over backing out of the driveway on the way to work. Computer paper just isn’t cutting it. Got to go with something a bit heavier to let everyone know you’re not fucking around.

Actually, I say ditch the 8.5 x 11 altogether. What will really separate you from the crowd is your own trading cards. Picture of you with a confident, but not overly excited smile on the front and frat accomplishments on the back. Topps is the only option. I will rip your face in half if you hand me an Upper Deck manufactured product. Go with this strategy next year and there won’t be a single house on campus that isn’t an option.

h/t BroBible

Image via Imgur

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer and Content Manager for Grandex, Inc. Delco trash. UCF alum. Famous FIJI on Wikipedia. Bit of a gambling problem. Advocate of shipping the homeless to Mars. Email tips to Dan@totalfratmove.com

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