Olympic Events I Could Legitimately Compete In

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Every night this week I have watched Americans perform in the Olympic games in utter amazement. I’m seeing the human body do things I’m not sure was ever intended to do. That balance beam routine blows my shit. These female gymnasts do these backflip twisting pieces and land on a beam about yay wide, and it’s a blind landing. Blows my mind. However, not every Olympic event truly features our planet’s premier athletes.

Watching this Olympic spectacle with these incredible athletes accomplishing amazing physical feats brings me back to the age-old Dan Patrick question. There is an ongoing discussion on his radio show about which professional sports you would be able to compete in the longest until you were found to be a fraud – an unathletic, out of shape, hack. The consensus among his listeners seems to be soccer, and I agree. It would be pretty easy to just frolic around the field away from the action without being noticed. And if the ball comes to you, just kick that fucker away right quick to avoid having to handle it. Let’s say you get tangled up in some unfortunate heavy petting, which is about as physical as soccer gets, all you do is flop, then begin rolling around in intense, seething, “my life is ending” pain. It’s what they all do, so it’s to be expected. A good thirty minutes will pass until the jig would be up.

I’m applying the same discussion to myself regarding the summer Olympics, except I’m taking it a step further. I don’t just want to compete; I want to be on that podium. I need that podium. I miss it so damn much. I’m a mess without it. So, which summer Olympic events could I not just participate in, but compete for a medal in?

Let me give you a quick personal bio first. I’m 6’1” and about 180 lbs. with wet hair and a full stomach. I was a pretty solid high school baseball player. I was the DH my senior year, and a left fielder before that. I played basketball as a freshman and used to make it rain from downtown, but baseball was the last organized team sport I played, intramural sports notwithstanding. Nowadays, I hit the stationary bike about three to four times per week to keep my ticker strong and maintain my svelte physique. That’s pretty much the extent of my activity. Other than the regular dog walks, the monthly round of golf, the occasional roll in the hay, and daily walks up one flight of stairs to the TFM Headquarters, I pretty much get no other action. Furthermore, I haven’t lifted in about three years, and even when I did, I was only throwing weight around to work my aesthetic muscles. You know, curls for the girls, that type of thing. I eat pretty healthy I think, but I’m basically a nightly drinker at this point. Not heavy binge drinking or anything, but I’ll throw back a few fingers of single-malt or a couple beers, and of course I’m dipping into that wine on the regular. Cabernet’s my flavor.

Having said all that, here are the sports I’m competing in. I already discussed soccer, so we’ll skip that and get right into…

Handball

First of all, handball looks awesome. From what I can gather, you just throw this soccer ball looking thing as hard as you can at a net and hope the opposition doesn’t block it, while kind of hoping they try to and get face-blasted. It looks like dodgeball a little bit, just with nets. I used to own dodgeball. I mentioned my baseball playing days, where I had a howitzer for a right arm. I used it to target the weaker, nerdy kids in gym class.

This is one of those sports that you don’t even know exists until you read about in the Olympic games. It’s not like these handballers are world class athletes. It’s just that they got in on this obscure sport early on and rode it all the way to London. My strategy will be to crow hop and fire that thing as fast as I can at the opposition’s faces and expect them to get out of the way. It will work at least a few times, especially after they get rocked. My agility is underrated, too.

Basketball

I just watched Team USA dismantle Nigeria 156 to 73. It looked more like the All-Star break three point shootout and slam dunk contest. Carmelo hit ten 3-pointers without breaking a sweat. I originally thought I’d make a great 6th man for this squad, but fuck it, I’m starting and playing 40+ minutes, quality minutes.

Let’s face it, I’ll get open looks. A LOT of open looks. The other team will undoubtedly circle me in their game plan as a weak link. “Who’s this short, white kid on their roster?” They’ll pull their guy off me on defense to double LeBron or Durant. Fuck them, though. Big mistake. Remember how I used to make it rain? I’m launching threes on threes, and I’ll hit at least four. I will also sit back on D and cherry pick some easy buckets in transition.

My line: 16 points, 2 assists, 0 rebounds, 3 turnovers, 1 fantastic attitude

Badminton

Badminton is really just aggressive ping pong. It’s actually just like it, but on a larger scale and you stand on the table (ground) instead of in front of it. I pong almost every business day, as there is a table 20 feet from my office door. My office pong prowess is prominently displayed at TFM Headquarters, too. Right there in the lobby is our pong rankings board. Your boy is #1.

I can elevate, too. I’ll be spiking that little thing down someone’s throat.

Fencing

What uh, what are we doing here? We fake sword fighting? Is that what’s going on? I don’t know how or why this ever developed into actual competition. What’s the next Olympic event, dueling with paintball guns? They have scoring and everything. Give me a break. The last time I sword fought I was a kid, but it’s like riding a bike, right? Instincts just take over. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it is. After a quick training session to learn all the nuances of the sport, I have no doubts that I’d bring home at least bronze.

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Roger_Dorn

Roger Dorn (@RogerJDorn) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. He's a native Texan with a full head of hair and knows his way around a nice box of red wine. Dorn graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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  1. 1
    Tallapoosa Snu

    Dorn has obviously never been involved in competitive fencing… its not fuckin LARPing in the neighborhood park, it takes immense skill, quick reflexes, patience, precise technique, and a surprising amount of athleticism. Its like chess in the brain, boxing in the footwork, and the focused agility, balance, and quickness of an NFL running back. It’s not an easy sport to attain success at all, and it also happens to be fun as hell and extremely competitive at a high level. And the Olympic competition has only seemed slow because they score differently than most competition and people utilize a much more defensive style, especially with foil. With sabre it’ll heat up a little more. Oh, and if you think it’s a pussy sport, I’ve seen kids break their point without noticing and people end up getting stabbed all the way through their hip or collarbone. It happens more than the association cares to admit. Just setting the record straight

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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      Tallapoosa Snu

      Clever. I dont get the gay reference though. Guys used to duel with swords over women, this is just the competitive version. And showing that you’re more talented, powerful, and superior with a weapon has impressed girls that have come to competitions. And that leads to pussy. Sooo it’s not quite gay

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      Tallapoosa Snu

      ^try it sometime, a couple masks and foils run just a few hundred, and it’s a great way to settle arguments or just to fuck around if you want… it’ll get competitive fast, shave the point if you want to make it interesting

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      Bronan the Barbarian

      I fenced a bit back in high school. Not competitively, I didn’t have the time to sink into training and jumping into competition circuit, but I picked up the basics, and holy shit, it was difficult. Fencing is one of those sports where it looks easy, but it’s half about predicting your opponent’s moves, and half about countering and overcoming their strategy. It’s cool when better players really get going in a bout, because it basically turns into an old school duel with a much lower risk of death.

      I personally prefer the Japanese styles, simply because you’re working with real blades, and it adds an element of danger to it, but that’s just me.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      Tallapoosa Snu

      ^thank you, I competed in foil and sabre in high school and the first couple years of college with a club and it takes a long time to get to a competitive level. Not to mention I’ve played a lot of sports in my life but in fencing it turns very aggressive and heated and personal more quickly than most other sports. It takes a lot of emotional control but by the end you hate the guy you’re competing against, I’d rarely end a match without a card… those primal masculine instincts kick in and it gets heated

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      L_M_N_O_buttP

      I can’t tell if Tallapoosa is a troll or just retarded. If the hardest part of the sport is “emotional control” than any decent ex-high school athlete could medal in it. The only reason you were relatively good in high school is because everyone with any shred of athletic ability was playing real sports.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      Tallapoosa Snu

      The only thing I’m trying to do is let you know it’s not really a second class sport, it’s well respected in a lot of places, and I competed while I was playin football and running track so I was playing “real sports”, just found fencing to be pretty fun and challenging. Actually it helped my agility, coordination, balance, and athletic ability in other sports. Not tryin to be witty, not sure where you got that from, just trying to validate that yeah it’s a real sport and it actually is pretty fun. y’all are takin my statements pretty oddly. Don’t know how that makes me a try-hard or a retard but hell its the internet, think what you want. Maybe someone else would find a first hand account somewhat informative to those who dont understand the sport. Maybe not. Just throwin my two cents in. As I said, try it, it’s fun as hell, and you’ll see it ain’t all that simple as poking someone with a stick. And as for the emotional control, that’s what keeps you from getting your ass beat in boxing, getting tossed out of a football game, and is just a small part of the sport, but yeah, it comes in handy. Sorry my personal interests are upsetting you… but if you’re content with bein upset that I’m talkin about it you could try bending over and literally fuck your own face. If you don’t like what I say, dont read it.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      SperryBird

      There is a fencing practice at the gym I attend and they are a group of the most nonathletic people I’ve ever seen. It looks like a bunch of computer nerds decided to pick up an extra hobby. It takes no athleticism to be a good fencer. You don’t have to lift weights or go through grueling two-a-days. It is a highly developed skill just like ping-pong, badminton, chess, shooting, and archery.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 0
    Downwind

    I agree with handball. Apparently we have a program, just not enough good players to put a team together.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      QuintanaBreeze

      If you could assemble the most dominant handball team using American athletes:
      1. Mike Vick- freak athlete with a hand cannon.
      2. Cam Newton- see above reasoning.
      3. Justin Verlander- pushes 100 mph in late innings. Stand and deliver type of asset.
      4. Lebron James- love em or hate em he’s in a league of athleticism of his own; no one could keep him from getting to the net.
      5. Aroldis Chapman- 105 mph. He’ll have a separate bet line: +/- on goalie decapitations
      Goalie- Quick from the LA Kings. (Is he Canadian? If so then what’s his face that plays goalie or US Soccer)
      That would bring home gold so fast your head would spin.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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