Every night this week I have watched Americans perform in the Olympic games in utter amazement. I’m seeing the human body do things I’m not sure was ever intended to do. That balance beam routine blows my shit. These female gymnasts do these backflip twisting pieces and land on a beam about yay wide, and it’s a blind landing. Blows my mind. However, not every Olympic event truly features our planet’s premier athletes.
Watching this Olympic spectacle with these incredible athletes accomplishing amazing physical feats brings me back to the age-old Dan Patrick question. There is an ongoing discussion on his radio show about which professional sports you would be able to compete in the longest until you were found to be a fraud – an unathletic, out of shape, hack. The consensus among his listeners seems to be soccer, and I agree. It would be pretty easy to just frolic around the field away from the action without being noticed. And if the ball comes to you, just kick that fucker away right quick to avoid having to handle it. Let’s say you get tangled up in some unfortunate heavy petting, which is about as physical as soccer gets, all you do is flop, then begin rolling around in intense, seething, “my life is ending” pain. It’s what they all do, so it’s to be expected. A good thirty minutes will pass until the jig would be up.
I’m applying the same discussion to myself regarding the summer Olympics, except I’m taking it a step further. I don’t just want to compete; I want to be on that podium. I need that podium. I miss it so damn much. I’m a mess without it. So, which summer Olympic events could I not just participate in, but compete for a medal in?
Let me give you a quick personal bio first. I’m 6’1” and about 180 lbs. with wet hair and a full stomach. I was a pretty solid high school baseball player. I was the DH my senior year, and a left fielder before that. I played basketball as a freshman and used to make it rain from downtown, but baseball was the last organized team sport I played, intramural sports notwithstanding. Nowadays, I hit the stationary bike about three to four times per week to keep my ticker strong and maintain my svelte physique. That’s pretty much the extent of my activity. Other than the regular dog walks, the monthly round of golf, the occasional roll in the hay, and daily walks up one flight of stairs to the TFM Headquarters, I pretty much get no other action. Furthermore, I haven’t lifted in about three years, and even when I did, I was only throwing weight around to work my aesthetic muscles. You know, curls for the girls, that type of thing. I eat pretty healthy I think, but I’m basically a nightly drinker at this point. Not heavy binge drinking or anything, but I’ll throw back a few fingers of single-malt or a couple beers, and of course I’m dipping into that wine on the regular. Cabernet’s my flavor.
Having said all that, here are the sports I’m competing in. I already discussed soccer, so we’ll skip that and get right into…
First of all, handball looks awesome. From what I can gather, you just throw this soccer ball looking thing as hard as you can at a net and hope the opposition doesn’t block it, while kind of hoping they try to and get face-blasted. It looks like dodgeball a little bit, just with nets. I used to own dodgeball. I mentioned my baseball playing days, where I had a howitzer for a right arm. I used it to target the weaker, nerdy kids in gym class.
This is one of those sports that you don’t even know exists until you read about in the Olympic games. It’s not like these handballers are world class athletes. It’s just that they got in on this obscure sport early on and rode it all the way to London. My strategy will be to crow hop and fire that thing as fast as I can at the opposition’s faces and expect them to get out of the way. It will work at least a few times, especially after they get rocked. My agility is underrated, too.
I just watched Team USA dismantle Nigeria 156 to 73. It looked more like the All-Star break three point shootout and slam dunk contest. Carmelo hit ten 3-pointers without breaking a sweat. I originally thought I’d make a great 6th man for this squad, but fuck it, I’m starting and playing 40+ minutes, quality minutes.
Let’s face it, I’ll get open looks. A LOT of open looks. The other team will undoubtedly circle me in their game plan as a weak link. “Who’s this short, white kid on their roster?” They’ll pull their guy off me on defense to double LeBron or Durant. Fuck them, though. Big mistake. Remember how I used to make it rain? I’m launching threes on threes, and I’ll hit at least four. I will also sit back on D and cherry pick some easy buckets in transition.
My line: 16 points, 2 assists, 0 rebounds, 3 turnovers, 1 fantastic attitude
Badminton is really just aggressive ping pong. It’s actually just like it, but on a larger scale and you stand on the table (ground) instead of in front of it. I pong almost every business day, as there is a table 20 feet from my office door. My office pong prowess is prominently displayed at TFM Headquarters, too. Right there in the lobby is our pong rankings board. Your boy is #1.
I can elevate, too. I’ll be spiking that little thing down someone’s throat.
What uh, what are we doing here? We fake sword fighting? Is that what’s going on? I don’t know how or why this ever developed into actual competition. What’s the next Olympic event, dueling with paintball guns? They have scoring and everything. Give me a break. The last time I sword fought I was a kid, but it’s like riding a bike, right? Instincts just take over. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it is. After a quick training session to learn all the nuances of the sport, I have no doubts that I’d bring home at least bronze.