One Of Our Writers Claims He’s Longer Off The Tee Than Everyone On The PGA Tour, Let’s Investigate

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“I hit hybrids instead of woods because I’m just too long off the tee.”

That’s a sentence that should be said by no one, ever. But it was said, and it was said inside TFM Headquarters within earshot of several people who play golf, and carry woods in their bags, and use those woods. Dan Regester is the name, one of our writers/content managers. After a couple minutes of explaining to him the level of absurdity in that statement, he informed me that he doesn’t even carry fairway woods in his bag. They’re of literally zero use to him. That’s how long he is. From driver to hybrid, nothing in between. Okay.

I then explained to him that even the longest hitters on tour carry, and frequently hit, fairway woods. He was having none of it. He’s just too fucking long.

“What about par 5s?” I asked. “Surely a 5-wood would be useful to you on a par 5 if you wanted to reach in two.”

“Nah, I just go 320 then long iron to the green. Or hybrid.” Okay.

“So, you have no use for a 3-wood or a 5-wood?” I offered him as one last chance to escape this corner he had painted himself into. “No, I’m too long.” Okay, Dan.

This conversation took place late last week. This morning, Danny Regs, as I sometimes call him, started off my Monday by chirping some more about his impressive length out in the writers’ bullpen. He and a couple other guys from the office played golf over the weekend, where he, according to him, put on an absolute show with the driver.

“There were several par 4s that were 320 and 330 yards. I drove every one of them,” he said, excitedly. “Ask Harrison. He was there.”

To recap, Dan claims he drives the ball 320 yards regularly, so regularly that his length doesn’t so much as necessitate the ownership of fairway woods. And this is happening during actual rounds of golf. Now look, it’s one thing to come out of your shoes on the range and occasionally pump one out there 320, but it’s an entirely different animal to routinely hit it that far on an actual course, with a real fairway in front of you.

Let’s look at the top drivers on tour, shall we? Dustin Johnson (poor bastard), is the longest driver on tour by a wiiiiide margin. Per, Johnson has averaged 318.8 yards per drive in tournaments this year. He’s the longest. The second longest driver on tour — to remind you, these are the best golfers on planet earth — is Charlie Beljan. He averages 309.3 yards per drive.

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Danny Regs is longer than these guys. Danny Regs is longer than anyone on the PGA Tour. Impressive, I know.

“How does he do it?” you ask. With this swing, apparently:

“I hit hybrids instead of woods because I’m just too long off the tee.”

Dan was quick to let me know that he was drunk during the above shank, although the caption of this Vine says he was “still drunk” from the previous night, which is a far cry from sporting a 0.2 BAC. He was also quick to point out that he wasn’t wearing golf shoes, it wasn’t his driver, it was his first swing of the day, and that he had just stepped out of an Uber.

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I didn’t care. It was all about his swing.

An elevated BAC can impair your vision, it can impact your hand-eye coordination, and it can affect your balance, but something it will not do is cause a total breakdown of golf swing mechanics. Everybody knows this.

That’s Dan’s swing. That’s Dan’s swing all the time. That’s Dan’s swing in the morning, in the evening, when it’s hot, cold, when he’s hungry, horny, sober, or drunk. That is Dan’s swing.

That’s not a 320 swing, Dan.

Dan also claims he’s longer than I am. Okay, Dan.


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