While I understand that the United States has hosted the Olympics more times than any other country, I will neither apologize nor insist the flame be lit anywhere but our native soil. We are, after all, a nation of excellence. We gave the world the goddamn Shamwow.
The International Olympic Committee should consider the following American cities to host the 2028 Summer Olympics:
Considering that not a single person in the entire city of Talladega has ever seen a European in real life, holding the Olympics in the great state of Alabama would facilitate a cultural exchange much like Columbus coming to America, just without the smallpox blankets.
The amenities certainly wouldn’t be as high quality as Sochi or London, but prefabricated mobile homes are perfect when most athletes just need a place to fuck each other when they aren’t competing. Instead of donating hundreds of thousands of condoms, Trojan could save some serious coin by encouraging the athletes to drink the local moonshine, thereby rendering most of them briefly infertile. Simultaneously supporting small businesses and saving money is win. Obviously, Kid Rock would perform on the infield of Talladega Superspeedway every night.
Daytona Beach, Florida
What better place to hold the Olympics than the state with the largest population of people waiting to die? The influx of activity would do for them what they’ve been begging a doctor to do for years. Scientists have been saying we’re way overdue for a mass extinction and it’s always a good policy to get out in front of things like this.
Restaurant owners in Volusia County wouldn’t have to honor any more senior discounts on account of everyone being dead. Also, can you imagine how fucking happy the Germans would be going home with airbrushed trucker hats and t-shirts? Forget gold medals.
I don’t have the slightest fucking idea what goes on in McDermitt, except that about 99% of the population is Native American. Their town of barely 1,000 would be pretty irritated if we decided to host the Olympics there, but I’ve always been a fan of doing things with the sole intention of making other people mad. I’m not saying we throw everything behind McDermitt just yet, but let’s not take it off the table.
Camden, New Jersey
If you don’t hang yourself from the overwhelming sadness of the airport in Philadelphia, you’re just a short cab ride from Camden. Camden, consistently within the Top 5 Most Dangerous Cities in the United States, seems like the obvious frontrunner here. The exotic local cuisine includes the “classic” cheesesteak, which is a cheesesteak topped with cigarette butts and glass from the shattered windshield of a ‘98 Impala.
When the athletes aren’t competing, they’d have the opportunity to participate in popular local weekend activities like carjacking, homicide, and even armed robbery. The overall safety of athletes is extremely important, and Rio’s water was a chief concern. Fear not, as the water quality of the Delaware River far exceeds that of Rio. The dirty hypodermic needles can easily been cleaned up in commercial fishing by-catch in a matter of months.
No, not Atlanta again. Buckhead. They’re different. One has schools with barbed wire around them and the other has a dress code. Getting the funding to hold the Olympics in Buckhead would be a cakewalk. All you would need is a couple kids with dads willing to cut a check without looking, which should be pretty easy considering most of them are regularly out of town to avoid getting served divorce papers from a wife that never loved them in the first place..
Image via Shutterstock