One Time When I was on Adderall…
1. I spent hours on the Ford website trying to “build my own” Ford Taurus to see if I could make it an awesome car. I could not.
2. I picked up the local newspaper and got sucked into the obituary section. It made me sad like everyone listed was a close member of my family.
3. I had two finals on the same day and planned on studying for both. I studied for exam #1 for 14 hours straight and completely forgot about exam #2.
4. I stayed after class one day and proposed a class-wide extra credit assignment to my professor.
5. In May of 2007, I Google searched, and then studied, the Playboy Playmate chest hammers on Miss May 2007 through Miss September 1968, in reverse chronological order.
6. I was studying for an accounting exam, chapters one through four. I read all the way to chapter seven.
7. I congratulated the classmate next to me for setting the exam curve.
8. I realized I commented on 12 consecutive Facebook photos in a girl’s “Summer ’06” album.
9. I took 15 virtual tours of homes for sale in the greater Chicago area. I’ve never been to Chicago.
10. I laid out full amortization schedules for mortgages ranging from 250k up to 500k, at 25k intervals, at interest rates ranging from 3.75% to 5.25%, at .25% intervals. I was supposed to be preparing for a business law exam.
11. I bought an acoustic guitar and gave myself self-starter YouTube lessons.
12. I researched the origin of cargo shorts, searching for scandalous activity with the steadfast intention of bringing the whole industry to its knees.
13. I watched three consecutive episodes on the Home Shopping Network.
14. I purchased some quick-fix home improvement putty and a pair of scissors that can cut through a quarter from the Home Shopping Network.
15. I was creeping so hard on a girl’s Facebook albums that I didn’t stop until I hit her middle school photos.
16. I pissed 20 times in 12 hours.
17. I researched the beginning of nudie mags, got sorta into them, and then caught myself developing an affinity for gratuitous bush.
18. I convinced myself I was ready to take on a 21 hour spring semester.
19. I convinced myself I was destined for law school…as an undeclared first semester freshman with a sub 2.0 GPA.
20. I went for a scenic walk around campus.
21. I got lost on campus while taking a scenic walk.
22. I arranged every TV in the house in a way that I could view all of them at the same time from a specific spot on the living room couch.
23. I found my childhood baseball card collection, picked out all the rookie cards, and then researched each of their values online.
24. I saw a link for a sports blooper YouTube video, got sucked in, and finally snapped out of it after a search for “deadly car crashes.”
25. I read a pointless Adderall column on this website instead of studying.