One Time When I was on Adderall…

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1. I spent hours on the Ford website trying to “build my own” Ford Taurus to see if I could make it an awesome car. I could not.

2. I picked up the local newspaper and got sucked into the obituary section. It made me sad like everyone listed was a close member of my family.

3. I had two finals on the same day and planned on studying for both. I studied for exam #1 for 14 hours straight and completely forgot about exam #2.

4. I stayed after class one day and proposed a class-wide extra credit assignment to my professor.

5. In May of 2007, I Google searched, and then studied, the Playboy Playmate chest hammers on Miss May 2007 through Miss September 1968, in reverse chronological order.

6. I was studying for an accounting exam, chapters one through four. I read all the way to chapter seven.

7. I congratulated the classmate next to me for setting the exam curve.

8. I realized I commented on 12 consecutive Facebook photos in a girl’s “Summer ’06” album.

9. I took 15 virtual tours of homes for sale in the greater Chicago area. I’ve never been to Chicago.

10. I laid out full amortization schedules for mortgages ranging from 250k up to 500k, at 25k intervals, at interest rates ranging from 3.75% to 5.25%, at .25% intervals. I was supposed to be preparing for a business law exam.

11. I bought an acoustic guitar and gave myself self-starter YouTube lessons.

12. I researched the origin of cargo shorts, searching for scandalous activity with the steadfast intention of bringing the whole industry to its knees.

13. I watched three consecutive episodes on the Home Shopping Network.

14. I purchased some quick-fix home improvement putty and a pair of scissors that can cut through a quarter from the Home Shopping Network.

15. I was creeping so hard on a girl’s Facebook albums that I didn’t stop until I hit her middle school photos.

16. I pissed 20 times in 12 hours.

17. I researched the beginning of nudie mags, got sorta into them, and then caught myself developing an affinity for gratuitous bush.

18. I convinced myself I was ready to take on a 21 hour spring semester.

19. I convinced myself I was destined for law school…as an undeclared first semester freshman with a sub 2.0 GPA.

20. I went for a scenic walk around campus.

21. I got lost on campus while taking a scenic walk.

22. I arranged every TV in the house in a way that I could view all of them at the same time from a specific spot on the living room couch.

23. I found my childhood baseball card collection, picked out all the rookie cards, and then researched each of their values online.

24. I saw a link for a sports blooper YouTube video, got sucked in, and finally snapped out of it after a search for “deadly car crashes.”

25. I read a pointless Adderall column on this website instead of studying.

***


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Roger_Dorn

Roger Dorn (@RogerJDorn) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. He's a native Texan with a full head of hair and knows his way around a nice box of red wine. Dorn graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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  1. 9
    FloridaFederer16

    I made a facebook for my fake ID, complete with pictures from my fake hometown high school, made facebook profiles of people from my “hometown” to be friends with and photoshopped myself into team tennis pictures………..In 30 minutes.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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