Orlando Bloom Throws Punch At Justin Bieber, Crowd Rejoices

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Nice Move

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Remember Orlando Bloom? He was that albino guy in what I can only assume were those “Game Of Thrones” prequels I never saw. More importantly, he was the star of Dorn’s favorite movie ever. You know what I’m talking about: “Elizabethtown.”

Anyway, Bloom was enjoying a night out in Ibiza, Spain–which probably means he was getting shitfaced and trolling for some strange–when that foreign, little punk, Justin Bieber, came rolling into the club all swagged up with his two-inch biceps. Then he started harassing Jack Sparrow’s sidekick. Apparently the Biebs was going on and on about how he may have copped a feel back in the day on Bloom’s ex-wife, Miranda Kerr, and he even taunted Bloom with an Instagram photo of his girl. Coincidentally, I also have an Instagram photo of Miranda, as she is my current girlfriend–but only between the hours of midnight and 8 a.m. when my eyes are closed.

From Page Six:

Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber got into a heated altercation at Cipriani in Ibiza, Spain, early Wednesday, sources said. After getting in each other’s faces — Bloom threw a punch at the pop star — the crowd cheered.

Sources told Page Six that Bloom took a swing at Bieber after the singer, 20, made a rude comment about Bloom’s ex, Miranda Kerr. But a source close to Bieber insisted that the comment was only made after Bloom took a swing, and missed.

I’ve always thought of Bieber as that annoying little brother who suddenly shot up five inches during summer break and now thinks he runs shit. He’s like that pledge you tried to blackball but no one would hear you out, but now that he’s a brother, everyone totally understands the hate. It’s no wonder the entire club broke out into applause at the thought of the Biebs finally getting his ass handed to him.

But Orlando, man. You’ve killed thousands of CGI troll-looking things and went to the ends of the seven seas with what I can only assume was Johnny Depp on a three-day bender. I feel like landing a haymaker on Justin Bieber would have been the easiest thing you’ve done in the last decade. Well, that and tanking your career with “Elizabethtown.” Sorry, Dorno.

And to you, Miranda, you’re one of the most beautiful women in the world, not some trailer trash girl working at Hooters looking to post selfies and brag to your friends the next morning. How did the Canadian Aaron Carter even have the chance of hooking up with someone like you? I mean, I’VE tweeted at you multiple times today and have yet to get a response.


Miranda, sweetheart, if you’re reading, I’ve got a bag of popcorn and a Netflix account with your name on it. Ditch both of these guys and get with a real man…or at the very least, settle for me.

[via Page Six]

Images via Instagram

Jordan is a writer living in a small yet overpriced apartment in NYC. He can always be found in his favorite pair of topsiders, even though he doesn't own a yacht (yet). He may not always be right, but he's never wrong and he also knows that finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. He could eat cereal for every meal, but doesn't...because you know...carbs. For angry tweets about the state of IU basketball follow him @jordangersh

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