5 Outrageous Political Claims To Make This Thanksgiving That’ll Make Your Family So Uncomfortable They’ll Stop Talking Politics

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1. Say that PC culture has run amok, but then give horrible examples.

“I got kicked out of the library for watching porn on my phone… without headphones.”

“My sociology professor is so anti-first amendment. The other day he said I was triggering the whole class because I was wearing a t-shirt that said, ‘I fist pigs’ and made me leave the lecture after I explained that it wasn’t an anti-police shirt, it was just a shirt explaining that I put my whole forearm inside of pigs.”

“Yeah my fraternity invited a group to speak but all the whiny PC liberals at my school made the administration cancel it. It’s not easy to book the Westboro Baptist Church. We didn’t get a refund either.”

2. Pearl Harbor was an outside job.

Obviously the claim isn’t outrageous, but your unhinged insistence on this fact, as if it’s not well-established, concrete historical record, will make everyone too uncomfortable to keep talking politics. Just rattle off a list of facts about Pearl Harbor like they aren’t common knowledge until everyone smiles and nods politely and leaves the room.

“Those airplanes were COVERED in Japanese symbols! Did you know that right after the attack the Japanese government actually took credit for it! THEY ADMITTED IT! WAKE UP SHEEPLE!”

3. Chemtrails are airplane cum.

This will get you out of anything.

4. You agree with the Standing Rock protests. The government has NO RIGHT to tear down those rocks.

If these protests come up, just aggressively miss the entire point until no one wants to talk about it anymore.

“Those Native Americans have every right to be upset,” you say, as your liberal aunt nods proudly in agreement, before you continue with, “those rocks have been there since the Sioux discovered them a billion years ago. America has NO RIGHT to tear them down. FUCK BARACK OBAMA!”

“Honey, they’re laying pipe there.”

“Uh, I guess that, yeah, some people are probably having intercourse in the area but I’m not really sure what that has to do with anything, Aunt Sarah. You pervert. I’m trying to talk about Native American rights over here and old gutter mouth Sarah turns into JR Smith. You kiss your cats with that mouth?”

5. Homosexuality is a choice. An awesome choice.

Absolutely no one on either side of your family’s political aisle is going to know how to approach this one, and then you can eat your pecan pie in peace.

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