An anonymous career banker inside Goldman Sachs opened a twitter account (@GSElevator) with the intention of revealing the hilarious banter that takes place in the privacy of the GS elevators. Since then, the account has evolved to include things overheard on trading floors, bullpens, lobbies and bars. Some of the conversations involve more than one person, and the participants are distinguishable by their number (#1, #2, #3). Here are some of my favorites from the past several months…
#1: She’s only about 3 weeks of anorexia away from looking hot.
#2: Maybe 4.
#1: Hey fat fuck, I already know what your resolution is.
#1: Can we please stop calling them ‘hipsters’ and go back to calling them ‘pussies?’
#1: Groupon… Food stamps for the middle class.
#1: A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherfucker.
#1: If you can only be good at one thing, be good at lying… because if you’re good at lying, you’re good at everything.
#1: Blacking out is just your brain clearing its browser history.
#1: My garbage disposal eats better than 98% of the world.
#1: Walking around the protesters outside makes me feel like how a black guy must feel in the gym shower.
#1: Age is just a number. The more important number is how hot she is out of 10.
#1: Hermes ties are like Jordans for white people.
#1: I don’t care how into the environment she says she is. No chick wants to be picked up in a Chevy Volt.
#1: You’re going to Hell in just about any religion.
#2: First class, baby…
#1: Living my life is like playing Call of Duty on Easy. I just go around and fuck shit up.
#1: Sober girls are the worst. So are really drunk ones… The sweet spot is 4 white wines and a Zanny.
#1: I heard the Euro was spotted at Disney World wearing a Make-A-Wish t-shirt.
#1: Bareback is the new 3rd base.
#1: I never give money to homeless people. I can’t reward failure in good conscience.
#1: Fuck that. When I was an analyst, I had to eat an entire ‘wasabi roll’. What we called team building, you faggots call bullying.
#1: Handshakes and tie knots. I don’t have time for someone that can’t master those basic skills.
#1: Two weeks of family time. I’m ready for a FBT to let some bad out.
#1: Fake Business Trip.
#1: When it doesn’t matter how much the drinks cost, it’s always happy hour.
#1: Money might not buy happiness, but I’ll take my fucking chances.
#1: Obama’s gone golfing 90 times in less than 3 years as president. That’s about three months of golf.
#1: Almost time for children to learn a valuable life lesson. Santa loves rich kids more.
#1: By now, protesters just look like pigeons to me.
#1: Fact. Nearly 50% of all American workers have less than $10k saved for retirement.
#2: Fuck. That wouldn’t cover a ski weekend.
#1: Anyone that puts CFA and MBA on their business card is a cunt.
#1: Don’t bitch about your apartment. If you want a gated house on a golf course, go be some dogshit CFO in Cleveland.
#1: I asked him what his life goal is, and he said “to make the obituary in The Economist.”
#2: Great answer. Hired.
#1: From my experience, most people really should have lower self-esteem.
#1: My charity work begins & ends with black tie galas. And if drunk me is the highest bidder on a signed Springsteen guitar, so be it.
#1: Let’s get one thing straight. Mark Zuckerberg is a fucking loser.
#1: Black Friday is the Special Olympics of capitalism.
#1: The only reason I have a home phone is so I can find my cell phone.
#2: Our maid does that.
#1: Getting laid off from Goldman is like being traded by the Yankees. You’ll probably still make millions, but it’s just not the same.
For more entertaining banter follow @GSElevator on twitter.