Paul Ryan, Frat VP

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He kneels in a homemade tree stand, cloaked by the darkness of the autumn Midwestern woods. The silence of the brisk Wisconsin dawn is interrupted only by the sound of branches breaking in the distance. Once upon a time, two decades ago, he would have been accompanied by pledge brothers on his hunting excursion, tossing back Pepsis and trading stories of pursuing 18-year-old pelt throughout the breathtaking streets of Oxford, Ohio. Today, he scouts the forest in solitude, raising his bow to meet the buck awaiting its destiny in the remote forest. The archer releases his arrow. The buck staggers, then collapses.

The bowman steps down from the tree stand, and approaches his target. A perfectly-executed effort.

 

His name is Paul Davis Ryan, he is 42 years old, and he is one of many Americans who thought we’d have finally figured out how to manage and grow an economy by the year 2012. Instead, the unemployment rate sits at 8.3 percent, millions cannot afford health insurance, and the nation he loves so much can barely afford to pay its bills. We’ve both gotten our change, and have had our pockets emptied of it at the same time, left with nothing but credit liability and lint, and he’s going to do something about it.

Paul’s story is legendary. For years, Ryan went by the nickname “P.D.” which of course stands for Pube Devourer. Inspired by the Reagan Revolution during his time at Miami University, P.D. really loved him some bush. In what turned out to be early preparation for handling foreign relations with the Middle East, the future congressman would spend each night of the week diving face-first into unkempt camel hair. I’m talking nose to the snatchstone, never-worry-about-going-to-the-dentist-because-there’s-enough-pubic-floss-to-go-around, face-first-in-Jordan’s-oil-well kind of diplomacy.

Drill baby drill, indeed.

He eventually had to give up the moniker “P.D” as it was often mistaken for “V.D.”, and given his reputation for hating to rely on any form of a safety net, the notion of the former high school soccer star carrying a venereal disease was seen as a distinct possibility. But even the fear of imminent uterus burning sensations never stopped the sorority girls, sexy secretaries, and foxy flight attendants from lining up in the halls of Delta Tau Delta, just to get a piece of Paul Ryan’s box cutter.

The dark and hairy decade known as the 90’s passed, and like all of us someday will, Paul eventually traded in his limitless supply of trim for that one special fish. You know what I’m talking about. The kind of fish that you wake up next to in the morning, take a whiff of, and your dreams take you inside the women’s locker room at LA Fitness. The kind of fish that isn’t as wet and satisfying as when you first reeled it in, but still puts up a fight anytime you cast out your pole. The kind of fish that over time grows cold and scaly to the touch like a dead Galapagos tortoise. Paul’s fish is named Janna Little, and in December 2000, the two got married.

Like a lot of married men, Paul has had to find some new hobbies since leaving behind his undergrad glory days. Wearing his favorite Green Bay attire (he really loves some exciting Packer action), the congressman loves spending his free time going Randall Simon on some homemade bratwurst and Polish kielbasa, and you have to respect the man for that. Congressman Ryan is not afraid to grab this country by the proverbial sausage and command its respect.

The rising star of the Grand Ol’ Party, in March, Ryan released his 2013 Budget Proposal, dubbed “The Path to Prosperity.” It calls for drastic cuts in spending (almost too deep, actually, and possibly not realistic, not to mention it leaves defense spending virtually untouched; still, you can’t say it’s not bold), and a measured phasing out of government funding guarantees to large “Too Big To Fail” financial institutions. Congressman Ryan also calls for reforming the welfare system by moving to a block grant system that would allow for the fight against poverty to be done more on the local level, transferring power and resources from the federal to the state governments in order to allow the states to manage costs and address needs more efficiently.

Ryan is also pushing for a simplified tax system with just two individual rates, 10% and 25%, and reduce the corporate tax rate from 35% to 25%. To make up for the lost revenues, the plan would aim to eliminate many loopholes (though we all know some loopholes will manage a way to continue to exist and protect the money movers in this nation. Love it or leave it, folks). But, above all, Congressman and Veep candidate Paul Davis Ryan’s platform is about putting the “big fucking balls” in “The President of the United States has mammoth-sized big fucking balls.” He tells it like it is, and he’s not going to tiptoe around on eggshells.

My biggest problem with President Obama isn’t even his ideology; we all knew what we were getting when he was elected. No, it’s his apparent lack of testicular fortitude. Faced with a Congress hellbent on opposing him and waving a middle finger to not him but to the American public, President Obama’s unwillingness to drop the gauntlet and plow through legislation without so much as a courtesy spit has turned the US Capitol into the appendix of Washington, D.C.- sure, at one point many years ago, it served some useful role, but it was so long ago that no one even remembers what that role was, or why it stopped functioning. Paul Ryan can help us remember. Paul Ryan can fix that burst appendix.

Maybe not now, maybe not this November, but the Ryan Renaissance is coming.

Governor Romney made one hell of a choice. Let’s just hope that by the time the inevitable mudslinging and character assassination comes to a close, there’s still an ounce remaining of the man who will lead this great nation into the future.

 

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    • 0
      RugbyFrat

      This article needs to be removed for the sake of the election. I understand we all respect Rep Ryan, but we don’t need to give the liberal agenda more fuel for its egotistical fire. Out of respect for Mr. Ryan, please bring this article down. After the election I encourage you to write how he single handedly won the election for Mr. Romney, but now is not the time.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      RugbyFrat

      ^Your opinion on what I should attempt doing after this election is as about as narrow minded as Obama’s opinion on how to run our country and economy.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  1. 0
    thefratasticmrfox

    Finally someone calls Obama out on a true flaw. He is not a Muslim nor is he a Socialist. He was born in the US and he showed his birth certificate to prove it. His biggest problem is that he’s a giant pussy that needs to stand up for himself

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      Lynchem

      How is he not a socialist? Have you read the ACA? His funding to failing private companies. His government run organizations IE the Consumer Protection Board. His clear lack of US Constitutional law, and recognition of the 10th amendment. You clearly have no idea what socialism is. And no idea what Barrack has said and done. Secondly, he was just at a Ramadan dinner talking about the Koran, and about him and his reading of it. He went to an islamic school in Indonesia and his father was from an Islamic African country now known as Kenya. As far as his birth certificate goes, I frankly do not care it’s just too late. But it did say his father was from Kenya (which wasn’t a country until 1963) and it said he was African American, in 1961 it was n.3..gr0 not AA. And if you truly think that his “biggest” problem is his vagina, then oh god I hope you keep your thoughts to yourself.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      thefratasticmrfox

      He was at a Muslim dinner to show his respect of that culture. Remember Rev. Jeremiah Wright? That scandal? Well yeah, he’s a Christian. Secondly, you have no idea what Socialism is. There has never been a true Socialist leader. Communism was not pure socialism. Socialism means everyone makes the same base pay, but they can work harder and make more money than that if they choose to. Communism is the shit from the Cold War. Lenin made Socialism and Stalin made Communism. Look that up, they’re two different things. Making universal healthcare is not socialism either because lots of countries have that and they’re not socialist. His dad may be from Kenya but he was BORN in America. Go tell Romney to release his tax returns, I would vote for Johnson but that’d be throwing my vote away cause he’s not gonna win. So fuck this election

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      Lynchem

      I see that you’re still a try hard, and the poeple on this site have gotten worse than before. And well socialism is a mild form of communism chief nice try. Mitt did release his tax returns just as every president did before. And did you just leave your Occupy protest? Why the hell are his taxes even an important issue? Lastly you really are a fucking idiot, France Socialist socialized health care along with the rest of the EU. Maybe you should listen to Daniel Hanna (English parliament member) please run into a spear because I dont feel like debating on TFM.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      PoopDollah

      Go pour bleach in your eyes Lynchem. I don’t support Obama, but what you’re suggesting is kinda racist, if you’re eluding to the fact that Obama never should have been elected based solely on the fact that his ancestry can be linked back to Kenya and he’s African American, then you’re a moron. Doesn’t America promote equal opportunity to all? All that to say, Romney2012!

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      fratanomics

      France has universal healthcare, not socialized healthcare. Much of it is government provided, but you must purchase healthcare if you can’t or don’t take advantage of the public option. There is a difference. I really dislike Obama as President, so I’m not sure why you always attack me when you’re so consistently incorrect. His mom was an American, so I don’t really give to shits if his dad was Josef Stalin. He’s an American by birth, no matter where he was born. Much smarter people than the two of us have debated it, and it’s been laughed out of court every time. When a conservative SCOTUS refuses to hear a case against a disliked Democratic President, you can be sure it’s full of shit at best.

      And naturally you fuck up the difference between communism and socialism. Communism and its variants are a subset of socialism, but you lack the intelligence to grasp that concept.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 0
    Lynchem

    Well JParks you clearly have never hunted before. A deer just doesn’t collapse after you shoot it. You usually have to wait 45min+ before you start to track it depending on where you shot it. Stop lying to look frat.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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