Underclassmen are dummies. They’ll purchase any tangible object that offers the faintest hope of replacing their bevy of nocturnal emissions with some hot, sticky, consensual bouncy-bounce (Read: furious dry-humping). This, of course, is coming from the same guy who still keeps his freshman orientation Qdoba bottle opener on his key chain. God, I wish I were kidding, but got damn, do the females get wet upon laying eyes on that plastic, lime-green sumbitch.
The new hot product for glad-handed salesmen to peddle to unsuspecting dopes is apps for the iPhone. And while there are certainly some GREAT apps out there that I cannot recommend highly enough, there’s also a lot of, for lack of a better word, shit.
Case in point, the new recruitment tool app put out by a member of the Penn State IFC, which helps users better navigate the university’s Greek scene.
IFC’s Vice President for Communications Jordan Rolon has created a fancy new app for all young men aspiring to join a fraternity this spring. Although some apps can be a wasted download on your iPhone, the IFC Recruitment app provides essential information for Penn State users.
A house map, similar to the Frat Map App utilized by sorostitutes roaming around frat land, is also available. Using this app, rushees will get a sense of direction if they haven’t already learned the ropes.
/Sees journalist’s non-ironic use of “sorostitutes” and “frat land.”
//Neocortex throbs like it sang “Splish Splash, I’m Taking A Bath” with Jerry Sandusky.
///Puts in DVD of Tyler Perry’s House of Payne to feel smarter.
////Doctors resuscitate; wakes up in hospital bed; promises God to be good after getting that glimpse of Hell.
The third feature is the most beneficial for users of the app. If you click “Fraternities” a list of all Penn State IFC Fraternities are listed, along with each house’s recruitment chair, the recruitment chair’s email, and their phone number.
It’s January. Freshmen have already been on campus for half a year. Frankly, if you buy this app for anything other than the purpose of making belligerent, homophobic prank calls, well, I’ve got some beachfront property in Topeka to sell you.
Rush Chair: Hello?
Caller: Hi, is this Red Comstein? Rush chair?
Rush Chair: Yeah, what’s up?
Caller: Hey man, my name’s Gabe Athouse. Planning on rushing your guys’ house this spring.
Rush Chair: Sweet! Any questions? You know where our house is?
Caller: Yeah, I downloaded some gay app and they forwarded me your number. It’s like it was meant to be! Wanted to know if “bleached” or “glittered” primping would better ensure me getting a bid.
Rush Chair: Huh?
Caller: See, for the past few weeks, I’ve been strolling around in a pair of Rainbow sandals. And though my parents don’t approve, the experience has given me a new appreciation for walking around in your fraternity’s shoes.
Rush Chair: Where are you going with this? Wait, Rainbows…are you implying…
Caller: Now, do I get my free Elton John album before or after ookie-cookie? Just wanted to know what to expect when I get gay-zed by the queerest group of fags on campus this side of the coach’s office.
Rush Chair: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE I LIKE VAGINAS THIS IS THE THIRD TIME YOU CALLED!!!
(*hangs up phone*)
Caller: He flipped out. I don’t think he’ll be taking anymore random phone calls.
Active: Nice job, pledge. Now call this house’s rush chair. We’re ruining this shit for everyone.
Freshmen, do not waste your money on stupid shit like this. If you don’t know by now where the good fraternities are on campus, you’re already an elephant walk’s mile behind the 8-ball.
The Penn State IFC Recruitment App: For the geed who can’t seem to take a fucking hint.
[Via Onward State]