I have no problem telling the world that I’m madly in love with Olivia Wilde. I have been ever since she lezzed out with Mischa Barton on The O.C. I pretty much lost my mind in the movie theater when she was walking around in that tight computer person outfit in Tron:Legacy. Best sex robot ever. Was she a robot? I don’t know, and I don’t care. All I know is that a Disney movie hasn’t gotten me that horny in years. Then there was The Change Up, in which she played an Atlanta Braves fan AND got topless (though it’s rumored those sweet bewbs were CGI’d). Suffice it to say I didn’t leave my house for days, and my roommates didn’t enter my house for days.
Long story short, I would murder all your families for one night with Olivia Wilde. I felt that way before she went and said something like this…
I don't think America has spent enough time appreciating its birthday. One more week should suffice.
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) July 8, 2013
That’s the kind of patriotism that really gets me hot and bothered. Would there be anything more perfect than spending a week getting drunk with Olivia Wilde and celebrating America? Spending each evening drinking Budweiser Ameri-cans and blowing shit up before retiring to the bedroom and making glorious, patriotic love? No. That is heaven, and I hope to be greeted by that exact scenario when I die. There are suicide bombers who don’t get promised afterlives that awesome.
How much do I love Olivia Wilde? So much that I can even forgive her for this travesty:
Few people could make a kU hat look good to me. She is one.