Peyton Manning Is Ruining My Life

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Nice Move


In that intrepid period in between fantasy football drafts and the start of the NFL season, my roommate, FIJI brother, and fellow TFM writer, Dan Regester, walked over to my desk at work to start a conversation with me.

Here we go again,” I thought.

Dan usually comes and talks to me once or twice a day with topics of varying degrees of stupidity that, at a minimum, border on clinically moronic. Whether it be a discussion about how much protein he ate the previous day, or his love for “toast sandwiches” (a piece of un-toasted bread in between two pieces of toast that, Dan claims, he learned to love while his family scrounged by on the mean streets of Philadelphia), it’s always a great displeasure to have a conversation with ol’ Dan-o.

On this day in particular, Dan was asking me about my fantasy football team. I told him that I had taken Peyton Manning in the fifth round for my team, the Jeff Tuel-approved Jeff Tuel Can’t Melt Steel Beams of the Grandex second division.

Dan: “What are you doing? That’s a terrible pick. His arm’s about to fall off.”

Me: “Dude, he’s one of the best quarterbacks of all-time. He’s got at least one year left.”

Dan: “Nah, he’s done. He’s gonna throw more interceptions than touchdowns this year.” Typical Dan refusing to acknowledge any viewpoint other than the first one to pop into his head, another attribute he has fooled himself into believing came about because of his “rough childhood” in Delaware County.

Me: “Dan. He threw like two interceptions two years ago (author’s note: it was actually 10, but you don’t need to use facts when arguing with Dan because of his condition). He took his team to the Super Bowl. That’s not gonna happen.”

Dan: “I call it like I see it.”

Me: “Fine, Dan. If Peyton Manning throws more touchdowns than interceptions this year, you owe me $10 dollars. If he throws more interceptions than touchdowns, I’ll pay you $100 dollars. 10-1 odds.”

Dan: “Deal.”

Dan’s an absolute degenerate gambler, so I always knew he’d take the deal. We’ve actually considered sending him off to rehab a few times, but our interventions somehow always devolve into him betting us that we won’t make him go, and him winning because, while we like the guy, none of us really care enough to pay for his time at Passages Malibu. Since his constantly winning that bet realistically only enables him to continue on his self-destructive path, we’ve stopped caring altogether, and all feel a lot better about ourselves. We’re good friends.

Ten-to-one odds was the first thing that popped into my head. If I’d looked into the stats, I might’ve even given him better odds. Manning hadn’t thrown more interceptions than touchdowns since his rookie campaign in 1998, and had a career regular season touchdown-to-interception ratio of 530:234 through the 16 seasons in which he’d played. The man has thrown over 2.264 touchdowns for every interception he has thrown since he entered the league. This one’s in the bag. A mortal lock. Easy money.

The season did not start off as planned as Peyton tossed no tuddies and a lone pick in game one. He pulled it together in game two, though, going three-one to put me up one score on Dan. “Just a rough start — no way he falls back now that he’s ahead, though,” I managed to blurt out as I stuffed a Taco Bell quesarito into my face hole. Peyton tossed two more scores against one interception in game 3 and I knew I was right all along. Up two on doofus Dan. Suck my nuts loser!!!

Then, as Dan had predicted, Peyton’s arm unhinged faster than all the girls who ever accidentally matched with me on Hinge.

From weeks four through eight, Peyton threw two touchdowns against 8 interceptions. I was down four. Luckily, My boy leveled out for week 9 with two TDs and two INTs. “Being down four isn’t too bad. Peyton’s tossed 5 or more dingers in 10 games throughout his career. Just need one of those against the Chiefs this week and I’m golden!!!”

And, if that wasn’t bad enough…

My options are getting pretty limited here. I honestly need some scandal to happen where all of Peyton’s stats from this season are erased. Are you on steroids, P? Please, please be on steroids. Oh wait, there’s no way you’re on steroids, because you’re frail and elderly and you suck. Well, maybe you’re on some other sort of illegal substance? Papa John’s garlic sauce is so delicious that is should be banned. Can I work that angle? Not sure.

Either come back and kill it, or stay put and do something to make it so this season effectively never happened, Peyton. Please. And, if you can’t do that, I ask that you reimburse me with $100 worth of free Papa John’s. It’s the least you could do.


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