The man, the myth, the “machine,” Pat Burrell is getting inducted into the Philadelphia Phillies “Wall of Fame” this weekend. Despite essentially playing his entire career with a mangled club foot and comically oversized Popeye forearms, he put together nine solid seasons in the heart of the order with my Phils, capped off with the only championship I’ve seen and probably will see in the remainder of my dark, cold days as a Philadelphia sports fan. Burrell could crush the seams off a baseball, so long as it wasn’t a curveball, but if he was half the player on the diamond that he was off it, he’d be the greatest to ever swing a big stick.
For those unfamiliar, his sexual escapades have reached Paul Bunyan like folklore. If there’s a legal female within a hundred mile radius of the power hitting left fielder, at any given time, she most likely has slept with or will inevitably sleep with Pat “The Bat.”
So when the social media team for the Phillies announced that they were doing a #ChatWithPat Q&A, I knew exactly which glorious road this was going to head down.
— Phillies (@Phillies) July 30, 2015
— James Fayleez (@James_Fayleez) July 30, 2015
Would you splooge in my face tomorrow? #chatwithpat
— Kem (@kimberlily) July 30, 2015
— Grant Brisbee (@mccoveychron) July 30, 2015
are you the father of any of my 3 kids I think you met my wife once #ChatWithPat
— Mike Meech (@meechone) July 30, 2015
— Equalopportunity H8r (@eqloprtntyhtr) July 30, 2015
Which STD was the hardest to get rid of? #ChatWithPat
— Mike D (@Sandrark86) July 30, 2015
Is 25 too old for you #ChatWithPat
— biracial af (@alyssakeiko) July 30, 2015
#chatwithpat Giant on the field, Giant in the sac. Hide your wife, hide your daughter, hide your mom
— Brian Birkett (@brianbirkett) July 30, 2015
Was that The Machine who shot Detective Ray Velcoro in Season 2 ep 2? #ChatWithPat
— Tornado (@DeragoTORY) July 30, 2015
Next to “Hollywood” Hamels going out with a no-no, this is sadly the best moment of this franchise’s pathetic season. Just take me back to the pre-Rubén Amaro days..
Image via Twitter