I received the below email today from a TFM reader. And I just know all you sickos are gonna love it. The subject line was “Shacker at Alabama.”
I was going to write this one for you but couldn’t figure out how.
A Beta took a chick home last night then ditched her to apparently hook up with another girl. The original girl wasn’t too happy so she took a shit on his chair then wiped with his comforter. I realize this isn’t your typical news story but it’s fucking hilarious. I also have to ask you if that’s what girl poop looks like? What the fuck is this girl eating? No idea what sorority she’s in but if I find out, I’ll let you know.
One source tells us the girl is a member of Phi Mu, and another thinks she’s a DG. We can’t confirm.
After sorting through some theories in my head, I think I have an idea as to why the shitter was ditched for the other girl. I think it’s because she’s the kind of girl who, after getting passed over for another chick, will take a shit in a guy’s chair and wipe it with his comforter. There are several levels of girl-crazy. I think this one falls in the category right between “Slash his tires and bust his windshield out” crazy and the kind of crazy that ends up on the 10 o’clock news for hatching homeboy to pieces.
Human shit, people.
“I also have to ask you if that’s what girl poop looks like?”
Uh yeah, I believe so. What’s so different about it from your shit? It actually looks like fairly normal shit to me, man. I mean, I know that many times when we’re looking at shit that it’s in a toilet and not all smushed into a chair and smeared around with a comforter. Maybe that’s the part that’s throwing you off? If I had to imagine shit that some crazy girl left in a dude’s chair, it’d probably look a lot like this in my mind. Just looks like standard shit to me, though.
“What the fuck is this girl eating?”
I don’t really know, but I’d guess parfaits from Starbucks and a lot of whatever tastes good with Nutella on it.
And finally, here’s shit:
Good luck getting laid now.
UPDATE (8:32pm CST): She may be a serial public shitter.
After publishing the story initially, I received multiple tips from readers claiming to have details about the Alabama Chair Shitter. From all the information I’ve gathered, I was able to narrow her identity down to one of two people, from one of two sororities at Alabama. I will not, however, be releasing any names. The two sororities that have been constants in every tip I’ve received are Alpha Delta Pi and Phi Mu.
The below email, along with the attached photo, reveal that this chair shitting may not be our perp’s first out-of-toilet shitting episode. The sorority listed by our tipster was one of the aforementioned.
Regarding the girl who shit herself, I can confirm it was a member of [sorority name redacted]. She lives on my hall and she did that in our bathroom. Also, she then told us she was going to stay with a Beta.
Image via Pikes.org