I just came across this rather interesting request on my Twitter timeline, courtesy of @ASU_Uncensored
"I want a frat guy to take my virginity"
— ASU Uncensored (@ASU_Uncensored) November 14, 2013
Well, that’s about as clear as it gets. I was unaware that virginity existed at Arizona State, especially this late into fall semester, but there you have it. I suggest some young Arizona State fraternity gentleman take the girl up on her offer, and give her a night that only a “frat guy” could provide. I’ll lay it out:
– Invite her to formal.
– Tell her to be ready by 7. Arrive an hour late, drunk. Have your pledge chauffeur retrieve her from her home and escort her to the car, wherein you, the frat guy, await, with a half-empty 12 of Natty.
– Explain that it was the pledge’s fault you were late, even though it was due to your own negligence and apathy. Berate the pledge.
– Offer the lady a Natty. After you realize you’ve forgotten to bring an extra koozie, offer her your koozie, like a gentleman.
– Go to dinner at a nice restaurant, order wine. Drink wine. Verbally harass the waiter.
– Attempt to make conversation with the virgin date, but in your drunken haste, end up talking about how good at sex you are. Offer a quickie in the bathroom. Take her refusal in stride.
– After being asked to leave the restaurant for making a scene because the waiter refuses to give you another bottle of wine, grab some In-n-Out with your date and head to the pre-game.
– Fully blackout at the pre-game, but not without making sure she has enough to drink.
– Go to formal, have one slow dance that will end up being 1,000x less romantic than she thought it was going to be. If possible, throw up on a pledge’s shoes.
– After twenty minutes at formal, leave.
– Offer sex on the bus. Take her refusal in stride.
– Back at the fraternity house, take her up to your room, which is decorated romantically to set the mood. Roses on the floor, lit candles everywhere. Begin to finally fool around. Kiss, undress, have a little foreplay.
– Ignore the fact that you just set off your house’s fire alarm with all the lit candles in your room.
– Ignore your house manager banging on your door.
– Ignore her request to use a condom.
– Ignore your house manager’s attempt to break your door down.
– Ignore the fire department’s attempt to break your door down.
– Wake up the next morning, former virgin next to you.
– Assume you made sweet, sweet love to her.
– Ignore all subsequent texts.
Someone give this lucky lady the night she deserves!