Physicists Find Evidence of the “God Particle”

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Physicists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) have made a major breakthrough in their research, which they plan to announce this Wednesday. They believe that they have finally found enough conclusive evidence to prove the existence of the Higgs boson, which is a subatomic particle that exists only in theory and has never been directly observed.

“God Particle” is a laymen’s term and a scientist would never debase himself by using it. If you call the Higgs boson the “God Particle” you are unconsciously admitting that you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.

Much of the research was done at the largest atom smasher in the world, the Large Hadron Collider. This massive doomsday device fires particles at each other at Ludicrous speed. It is designed to probe deep into the nature of dark matter, anti-matter, and other ridiculously trippy shit that no one understands.

After decades of research and billions of dollars spent, the physicists are cautious to use the word “discovery.”

John Ellis, a theoretical physicist at CERN says, “I agree that any reasonable outside observer would say, ‘It looks like a discovery.’ We’ve discovered something which is consistent with being a Higgs.”

What? It sounds like he means, “I’m not saying we’ve found what we’re looking for, but we found something that looks exactly like it.”

Rob Roser, another physicist looking for the Higgs boson, said, “Particle physicists have a very high standard for what it takes to be a discovery… You see the footprints and the shadow of the object, but you don’t actually see it.”

They found a footprint… great? Stupid hillbillies find Big Foot tracks all the time. They are hesitant because what looks like an amazing discovery to most people is actually just a bunch of bullshit to scientists. Of course, with so much riding on the line, researchers are still waiting for their “eureka” moment when they will undoubtedly tear a hole in the fabric of reality on December 21, 2012 and prove without a doubt that the Mayans were way fucking smarter than we are.

The Higgs boson, despite sounding like a bunch of bullshit, is actually immensely important to science. It can tell the secrets of how sub atomic particles are formed and what gives them their mass. The Higgs boson can shed light into the initial stages of what really happened during the Big Bang. The Higgs boson is a big fucking deal. Without it, we won’t be able to rock awesome things like teleportation and time travel. If physicists figure this shit out they will better understand the instability of Lindsay Lohan’s vagina and possibly prevent it from collapsing into a black hole and destroying the universe.

Godspeed, Physicists. Godspeed.

Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory

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  1. 2
    Pro V1x

    If science can eventually determine that a “supreme being” does not exist, I wonder how long organized religion will deny it. I mean some people still truly believe that The Bible is an accurate account of creation 100% w/ no deviation whatsoever. I don’t know how this relates to TFM so happy 4th everyone?

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      FratLloydWright

      Hate to break it to all you “fratstars” out there but if you legitimately believe in god your critical thinking skills are very poor.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      friendsinbroplaces

      I actually relish the fact of breaking it you- if you think you can say with absolute certainty that you disbelieve in the existence of any sort of higher power, while having no way of knowing for sure, then your critical thinking skills are pretty close to those of the last shit you took.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      DoubleTap

      While the Higgs-Boson is called the “God particle”, it is does not establish nor refute the existence of the Creator. The Higgs-Boson is the particle which describes why matter has mass. So yes, happy Independence Day.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      FratLloydWright

      ^ I said god and i don’t know what your definition of higher power is, its possible that there was a mortal being (alien) that could have visited our planet, but that is unlikely.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      5th_Year_Frat

      ^Friendsinbroplaces…youre right. at least you WERE right. to this point there hasn’t been a way to know, with certainty, that we were or were not put here by a higher power. however ProperFratire is absolutely right, and that is why this discovery carries so much weight (molecular mass pun). The discovery of the Higgs Boson particle DOES mean that we now know with CERTAINTY how everything originated. this has been a hot topic with me lately, as i have had to independently explore the world that has been shielded from me by my parents, public school, etc. we are on the cusp of a new age of enlightenment. these discoveries are very real, very important, and crucial for us to continue evolving and surviving on this organic spaceship we call earth. to also side with fratlloydwright, i challenge everyone to exercise unbiased critical thinking.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -1
      Proper Fratire

      It would refute the existence of the creator because if the Higgs boson particle exists it helps explain how matter was created in the big bang. Taken from another article on the Higgs boson– “Physicists say the Higgs boson would help explain why we, and the rest of the universe, exist. It would explain why the matter created in the Big Bang has mass, and is able to coalesce.” So if the Higgs boson exists it would be a step further to explaining that we were not put on earth by a higher being.

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    • -1
      friendsinbroplaces

      So, denying the belief in God is somehow unbiased critical thinking? Whether one believes or disbelieves in no way determines whether or not they think critically. There a kids who were born into atheist or non-religious families and do not challenge what they were taught just as there are kids born into Christian families that merely accept what they’ve been taught without ever challenging it.

      Simply disbelieving doesn’t somehow make you a sage. People who try and present themselves as more “enlightened” solely due to a lack of belief and those who bestow such a status upon them are entirely missing the point.

      Further, my comments about the origins of life were entirely within the perspective of the book of Genesis. I never said that we don’t know how the earth was formed, I merely said that the Bible offered a very brief explanation to a tribe of people with no scientific background, who had their peak over 2500 years ago. I absolutely believe in the Big Bang and I believe in evolution in most aspects (there is nothing in the Bible which contradicts this). Just because the Bible doesn’t go into detail about God’s methods does not mean that we believers should limit the possibility of how things occured according to our imaginations, while causing unnecessary arguments about things that have yet to be revealed to us.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -3
      Yeah

      ^ Fuck you guys. Poseidon is the god of the sea. If you don’t believe in Poseidon you will go to ocean hell.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      DrFratlove

      Could not agree more. I have to say thanks to RageTheory for the second paragraph in particular. That is spot on. When I tell people I’m working on my PhD in theoretical physics they either ask me to explain the “God Particle” (as if it can be explained in a casual 5 minute conversation at a crowded bar), or they say something comparing me to a character on The Big Bang Theory. Thank you, and Frat on sir.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -3
      Bronan the Barbarian

      If this turns out to be the Higgs, we’re looking at some major changes to our understanding of particle physics. Some really cool changes. It also means that, if a particle can be responsible for giving matter mass, we might be able to do some interesting things with inertia once we understand it better.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 0
    Tallapoosa Snu

    This has absolutely nothing to do with the Greek system. Please RageTheory, enlighten me as to how the Higgs Boson in any way relates to Greek life. Adding references to Lindsey Lohan’s vagina just makes the article sound retarded, not interesting to fraternity members.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      Tallapoosa Snu

      With all due respect, there’s about 10 websites, 3 tv channels, and 5 newspapers I would go to for well-written, balanced, and informational non-fraternity related news than TFM. Basing your world view and information on TFM… Maybe frat, but fuckin stupid. I come here for entertainment, not the latest information on fundamental physics. And you didn’t do a real sensational job at making physics entertaining, which at your mercy, is very difficult to do. So take a big step back, and fuck yourself in the face. And keep in mind I said “with all due respect”.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      Tallapoosa Snu

      And from a physics student, it’s called the “observer effect”… they can only make conclusions based on what they assume what would happen if the experiment wasn’t being observed, which in particle physics never yields the same result. And for years, the Higgs Boson has never been observable. And never will be because it never acts in the same manner. Which means this entire article is irrelevant because the only “discovery” being made is the idea that there is a possibility that something might exist but doesn’t. Also, if you took any high level science, there’s actual proof of how subatomic particles come into being. Real solid science. Not to mention the solid journalism. Plagarizing ABC won’t get you much of anywhere, but keep trying.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago