Physicists Find Evidence of the “God Particle”

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Physicists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) have made a major breakthrough in their research, which they plan to announce this Wednesday. They believe that they have finally found enough conclusive evidence to prove the existence of the Higgs boson, which is a subatomic particle that exists only in theory and has never been directly observed.

“God Particle” is a laymen’s term and a scientist would never debase himself by using it. If you call the Higgs boson the “God Particle” you are unconsciously admitting that you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.

Much of the research was done at the largest atom smasher in the world, the Large Hadron Collider. This massive doomsday device fires particles at each other at Ludicrous speed. It is designed to probe deep into the nature of dark matter, anti-matter, and other ridiculously trippy shit that no one understands.

After decades of research and billions of dollars spent, the physicists are cautious to use the word “discovery.”

John Ellis, a theoretical physicist at CERN says, “I agree that any reasonable outside observer would say, ‘It looks like a discovery.’ We’ve discovered something which is consistent with being a Higgs.”

What? It sounds like he means, “I’m not saying we’ve found what we’re looking for, but we found something that looks exactly like it.”

Rob Roser, another physicist looking for the Higgs boson, said, “Particle physicists have a very high standard for what it takes to be a discovery… You see the footprints and the shadow of the object, but you don’t actually see it.”

They found a footprint… great? Stupid hillbillies find Big Foot tracks all the time. They are hesitant because what looks like an amazing discovery to most people is actually just a bunch of bullshit to scientists. Of course, with so much riding on the line, researchers are still waiting for their “eureka” moment when they will undoubtedly tear a hole in the fabric of reality on December 21, 2012 and prove without a doubt that the Mayans were way fucking smarter than we are.

The Higgs boson, despite sounding like a bunch of bullshit, is actually immensely important to science. It can tell the secrets of how sub atomic particles are formed and what gives them their mass. The Higgs boson can shed light into the initial stages of what really happened during the Big Bang. The Higgs boson is a big fucking deal. Without it, we won’t be able to rock awesome things like teleportation and time travel. If physicists figure this shit out they will better understand the instability of Lindsay Lohan’s vagina and possibly prevent it from collapsing into a black hole and destroying the universe.

Godspeed, Physicists. Godspeed.

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