It’s that time of year again. September call-ups in Major League Baseball means an influx of rookies, which means it’s hazin’ time. I enjoy the fact that, even though rookie hazing happens all year, baseball players wait until they have as many rookies as possible at their disposal before they go all out. Good thing for these Braves rookies, Hazemaster Jones retired last year. Though, in truth, by the end of his career Chipper was probably more like the 5th year senior who lackadaisically joined in and laughed a little before leaving to hit the bars to find some innocent 20-year-old girl to bang out. Yeah, that’s Chipper Jones alright. Man, he’s great.
Meanwhile, it was the crazy ass sophomores who did the real hazing damage. Those sick, twisted sophomores were the likes of Craig Kimbrel, Kris Medlen, and Freddie Freeman, and this year were left to their own devices. As you can see from the pictures, those three (who are well known as the clubhouse funny guys) along with the rest of the Braves had some fun with the rookies, dressing them up in a lady’s tennis and swimming theme.
My favorite thing in these two pictures is Evan Gattis in the second one. He’s back row and second from right. That sports bra is about to explode off of his chest, and he does not look like he’s having a good time. Probably reminds him of the time he had to work as a bouncer at a she-male burlesque club, where he’d spend his nights throwing out Japanese businessmen for being too handsy and deeply closeted GOP congressmen for doing too much cocaine, all before the end of the night, when he’d have to get out the mop and clean up the filmy combination of glitter and lube that coated the establishment’s floor. Gattis’ baseball hiatus took him to some weird places.
God help the first rookie class that Evan Gattis gets to haze. As a Braves fan, I really hope there aren’t any highly touted prospects coming up next year, because they may never recover from the psychological damage that one experiences after enduring the blind power rage of El Oso Blanco.
Baseball hazing. Good times.