“Well it’s you and it’s me and a baseball bat makes three.”
– Courtney Love, avid enthusiast of Tom Emanski‘s Instructional Videos starring Fred McGriff.
Philanthropy has always been the one bedrock that fraternities and sororities can point to, behind side-glances and snicker-concealing hands, when concerned onlookers ask for a legitimate justification for Greek life’s existence. Sure, half the time we’re too drunk to remember what happened during our house’s particular philanthropy event, but dammit, we raise bank for various causes each and every year.
The trick to these shindigs is that you need to entice people to come over and have fun. After all, no one wants to show up to an event revolving around domestic abuse or cancer and be bummed out about it. So, maybe you throw a watermelon drop. Or rent a mechanical bull. Our house, for example, had a weeklong event that culminated in a Greek system-wide boxing tournament.
If you’re NYU Pikes, well, you let people pay to beat you with bats.
It’s every scorned girl’s dream: beating up your ex-frat fling with a baseball bat. (Okay, that might be taking it a little too far.) At least that’s the sentiment that NYU Fraternity Pi Kappa Alpha (or Pike) was banking on when they planned their “Bubble Wrap and Baseball Bats” event last week, and again yesterday. Pike members set up shop in Washington Square Park, covered with bubble wrap and armed with bats to give participants. For a small donation, which went to the Andrew McDonough B Positive Foundation and the Dance Marathon at NYU, those present could take a wiffle ball bat to any brother they liked.
I know what you guys are probably thinking, and I’m right there with you. I also find the whole “raise money by advocating assault” idea put into action here by Pikes to be offensive. Hold your Polo shirt horses, though. I have my own reasons.
I’ve just never been a big fan of philanthropy. The concept of charity strikes me as un-American. Too much give, not enough take. Anything but relentless mocking of society’s downtrodden only serves to further enable Obama’s nanny state to run amok. If Adam Smith’s “invisible hand” has taught us about anything other than unwanted groping, it’s that the best way to help out the unfortunate is by motivating people to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. The boots belonging to those bootstraps, of course, are at least $150 and were pumped out in a Chinese sweatshop by coddled children making sixty cents an hour.
Coddling aside, not quite sure if Pikes know what they’re getting themselves into here. If you’re going to throw a charity event, there has to be a safer way of raising money than by opening up the possibility of some batshit crazy sorority girl pull the old switcharoo and sneakily replace the wiffle ball bat with a Louisville Slugger.
Guess all I can say is keep your heads on a swivel, you damn loons.
[via NYU Local]