This was never an issue I thought I’d have to tackle, nor was it a plea I thought I’d ever have to type out. I hate to be a wet blanket and tell the youth of America how to go about their lives, but we’ve officially reached a dangerous new level of drunken depravity that needs to be nixed before it ever truly gets off the ground. You guys need to stop lighting your sleeping friends on fire.
We were bound to get here eventually. It was inevitable. There’s only so many doors and tables we could demolish before the thrill was lost on us altogether. We had to up the ante in order to stimulate the same electric excitement. I get it. Smashing beers over your dome has become old news, we’ve built up a tolerance for the titillating feeling high property destruction once produced, and simply recording and drawing on the passed out isn’t nearly enough.
We tried to distract our diabolical destructive urges with booze and women — one-upping each other with new innovative consumption methods that brought us in a very promising direction with boob luges. I thought there was hope for humanity after all, but a tiger can’t change its stripes and humans can’t stop doing stupid shit when we have alcohol in our system. We don’t want to leave a pile of debris and ash in our drunken wake, we NEED to. And that’s exactly what led us to our current pyromania predicament.
Now I’m not going to sit here with a straight face acting all high and mighty like that pompous prick Smokey the Bear casting down judgement against playing with fire or say this wasn’t remotely funny. Booze and flames are as American as apple pie or baseball and I laugh every time I watch the video.
So what’s the solution, since not drinking is not an option and fire fucking rules? I think it’s both fairly obvious and a reasonable request: only ignite your friend if he’s a conscious, consenting male adult. That may be asking a lot from you guys, but I assure you it’ll be much easier than you think. Just drop the lines “no balls” or “you won’t” and there will be a sign up sheet of brothers waiting to get lit… ablaze..
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