The Shopping List Of A Pledge Educator

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Nice Move

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Back-to-school brings out the best in people. The freshmen are excited for classes, and the upperclassmen are excited to skip class to drink. Everyone is happy, and it’s a great time of the year.

You know what else is great about the start of a new semester? New pledges. Pledge season brings me more joy than when I met my little for the first time. Life is easy with pledges around. I have a ride to my favorite parties, and the fraternity houses are never cleaner than during this glorious time.

I’ve come to understand that I only see the nice shiny exterior of pledging. It never occurred to me the kind of work that goes into breaking pledges down into their true sub-human form before they are rebuilt into active fraternity men. I used to think they signed their bid and instantly became butlers, maids, and chauffeurs. Oh, how little I knew. In my syllabus week adventures, I stumbled upon a piece of paper that has opened my mind and made me question everything I knew about fraternity pledges. The mystery of how this list would be put to use only grew with each new item. I’ve found the kind of document that the average person could only hope to find on some kind of National Treasure-style hunt that would be more of a test of one’s convictions than an actual pledge process.

Hidden under a house composite from 1987 that I was attempting to “steal into the bathroom to take pictures with and then quickly return,” I found what I believe to be the shopping list from a past or present pledge educator.

1
Blacklights
Plastic Wrap
Duct Tape
EpiPen(s)
One goldfish for each pledge
Rack of beer
Can of dip

2
5 lbs of rainbow sprinkles
2 whole fish
2 dozen eggs for each pledge
Rack of beer
Can of dip

3
Condiments
All the expired food in your pantry
Ghost pepper chili sauce
2 gallons of peanut butter
Rack of beer
Can of dip

4
1 gallon of whole milk per pledge
2 liters of Sprite and a bunch of bananas
Syrup of Ipecac
Collected Dipspit
Rack of beer
Can of dip

5
Orange safety vests
Whistle
Newspaper
Condoms
75 Candles
Matches (use remaining budget to buy as many as possible)
A cookie cake with a target on it
Crisco or lard
Cell phone jammer
Bottle of bourbon
2 cigars

6
TBD

TBD doesn’t sound too good.

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