One of the most painstaking parts of going through the rush process as a brother is the smoke and mirror show that is explaining the secrets of the pledge process. Normally the conversation can easily be diverted with a simple “it’s the most fun you never want to have again” or “we’ll never make you do anything we wouldn’t do.” Even still, kids can be persistent, and when this kid meets the one person he should never ask questions to during rush, the pledge trainer, well… shit can get weird. Here is an account of how these conversations go down from the perspective of the pledge trainer.
Rush: What Does Pledging Entail?
Pledge Trainer: Jesus Christ, here we go with the pledging questions. It’s been 45 minutes into rush and I can already tell this kid is worried we’re gonna make him elephant walk for the entirety of this semester. It’s a fraternity, softass, there’s going to be a bunch of shit you don’t want to do and an impossibly belligerent group of 100 guys you’ll have to get to know better than yourself…just imagine a semester long version of the opening scene of Full Metal Jacket…that’s what pledging entails, motherfucker.
Great question! Because rush is such a short amount of time to really get to know someone, our pledge process is an age old program that allows the brotherhood to get to know you on a better level. It involves a combination of learning the house’s rich history (finding out where the secret, sound-proof rooms are), exercises that enhance character development (bows and toes also build forearm strength), and a program that allows you to really meet each and every brother (and find out how he likes his drinks made). I assure you, it is one of the most memorable parts of any fraternity man’s life!
Rush: What Kind of Time Commitment is Pledging?
Pledge Trainer: Fuck…Fuck…Fuck fuckity fuck FUCK FUCK. Who does this kid think he is, Katie Couric? I bet this conversation is going to never once venture into the realm of socials, intramurals, or service. Kids watch too many movies about fraternities. Time commitment of pledging? Are you joking? When I rushed I accepted my fucking bid on the spot, diving head first into the shit storm that is a pledge semester, no questions asked. You wanna know your time commitment? Here it is: I BETTER SEE YOUR ASS HERE ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
Well, because we do ask that you get to know every brother in the fraternity, there is somewhat of a time commitment involved in the pledge process. We feel as though this makes sense because brotherhood is something that you can’t simply waltz into, it has to be earned. Realistically, pledging should be considered as adding another 3 credit hours to your schedule. It’s not too bad, but it takes some work.
Rush: Will Pledging Effect My Grades?
Pledge Trainer: Good God, I knew I shouldn’t have brought up the 3 credit hour analogy. I need to talk to the rush chair about this guy, he’s really starting to ask too many of the “haze me and I’ll rat” questions. That’s all I need this semester, to go to fucking jail…again. The only way pledging won’t affect your grades is if you get balled.
In this house, we realize the reason you came to this university was to get a degree. We will never ask you to jeopardize your academic standing in the name of the fraternity. We have a study room (which everyone fucks in) for your convenience and study hours every night so that you can get your work done. Like we always say, school first (*holds up 2 fingers*) fraternity second (*holds up 1*).
Rush: How Long is Pledgeship?
Pledge Trainer: I’m going to FUCKING lose it. This kid can’t be serious right? Did he not hear me say you have to meet EVERY BROTHER? So, assuming you know how to come to conclusions based off of prior information, I think it would be pretty safe to say pledging takes as long as it takes you to MEET EVERY BROTHER. Please…just end the questions now…ask me about partying…ask me about slaying sorostitutes…ask me about ANYTHING other than pledging.
The University has a strict 10 week policy for all IFC pledge programs that every house must abide by (except for ours).
Rush: What’s Your Fraternity’s Hazing Policy?
Pledge Trainer: THAT’S IT I’VE FUCKING HAD IT, GET YOUR PUSSY ASS TO THE BASEMENT AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP ASKING QUESTIONS! YOU BETTER RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT YOU SCRAWNY PIECE OF SHIT, OTHERWISE I’M GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK.
…shit…I just said that out loud didn’t I?