Pledging Al Qaeda, A Timeline

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The following document is classified material which was recovered during operations in Afghanistan. The soldier who found it, known only by his alias “MasterGazer,” sent the controversial documents to FratiLeaks and was blackballed for treason. This is the diary of a young man who recorded his experiences while pledging Al Qaeda, one of the most secretive fraternities in the world.

Day 1
I’m so excited to pledge Al Qaeda. I can’t wait to get to know everybody. They all seem so nice. I can’t wait to become a brother and murder infidels in the name of Allah!

Day 2
This alphabet is impossible. It’s like Morse code butt fucked cursive so hard it reads backwards now. Speaking is like angrily hacking a lukewarm snowball out of your throat while saying the ABC’s. I can’t believe I have to learn this.

Day 5
They’re making us do a bunch of bullshit. We have to clean camel shit out of the frat cave and DD every night of the week, we haven’t been allowed to smoke opium once. The goddamn camels get more fucked up than the brothers, so I can’t see how we are providing a useful service here.

Day 10
We couldn’t build a sand castle condominium fast enough, so Muhammad made us throw rocks at drones for the rest of the day. 8 of us died.

Day 14
I had to do pushups because I didn’t know how to pronounce Al Qaeda. Is it Al Kaeda or Al Kayda? Al Kaeeda? Fuck. I think they pronounce it differently every time they say it. Are they fucking with me?

Day 19
Brother Nadir and Brother Muhammad are in charge of the pledge program. Muhammad seemed cool during rush when he promised us all sorts of sluts in the afterlife, but now he’s kind of a dick. I know he just wants us to work together as a pledge class, but damn… that guy’s a dick.

Day 26
It’s our pledge retreat. Team building exercises today. We went back and forth on monkey bars for hours in the middle of a sand storm. Muhammad insists that skills on the monkey bars will help us when we invade America. According to Nadir, their cities are made out of ladders. What fools!

After monkeying around, we smoked some opium, lubed up potatoes, and crammed them up our assholes. We must prepare for the day when we’re brothers and get to use real hand grenades, Allah willing.

Day 31
This is my AK-47. There are many like it, but this one is mine. Allah guides my bullets, so there is no need to aim.

Day 39
“Thank you for calling the gentlemen of Al Qaeda Afghanistan, my name is Fakir, how may I…” was the last thing Fakir said before a Hellfire rocket smashed through the ceiling and killed half the pledge class.

Drones track phones. Shouldn’t have answered the house phone, stupid Fakir.

Day 43
We caught a brother from a different house snooping around the frat cave last night. He was one of those Skull and Bones CIA douche bags. He top-shelfed Muhammad’s pooping hole, which really means he just pooped next to it, and then he cooked ham and bacon in all of our skillets. He was spray-painting “Mossad 4 Life” and “jewz rule” on the wall when we caught him.

Muhammad came in and cut that motherfucker’s head right off. He didn’t even hesitate. He turned to the pledges, covered in blood, and said, “Nobody fucks with Muhammed.”

Day 47
Yassif bought a new wife in town today. She wasn’t very pretty, but she only cost 3 goats and the brown bag burka was free.

Day 52
I couldn’t remember where the founding fathers buried the stinger missiles, so I had to spend the night in the scorpion pit.

Day 57
Hell Week. They say they don’t haze in Al Qaeda, but I’m starting to suspect they might have lied. They ripped Abdul’s fingernails out with pliers and hooked Omar’s testicles up to a car battery. Luckily I only got water boarded. Only bitches cry during water boarding. It wasn’t half as bad as getting “Talibanzai” tattooed on your scrotum with an ice pick and dung beetle innards… poor Kareem.

Day 64
Initiation. We’re done! I can’t believe I made it through. Pledging is finally over. I’m the last one left alive out of my entire pledge class. I only have one last task to complete before I’m officially initiated.

I’m standing in a crowded market place and I’m shaking with joy. All I can think about is brotherhood. I’ve worked so hard to get where I am and I’ve proven myself to Muhammad. Now all I have to do is undo these two little cords from the vest he gave me and yank down on them as hard as I can.

suicide-bomber_1

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