A life size cardboard cutout of the Alabama Jesus, Nick Saban, was lifted from the BP Gas Station at 1405 University Blvd. in the early hours of Wednesday morning in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Two suspects were seen on security footage high-tailing outta there with the 5’5″-Saban-under-the-arm maneuver.
Store owner Jay Rupani, outraged at the Saban likeness desecration, called the police to report the theft. Tuscaloosa police responded like you’d expect the Tuscaloosa police to respond. They formed a city-wide manhunt to bring these heinous criminals to justice. The cutout was a Coca-Cola promotional display. “An identical cutout was listed for sale on Craigslist Wednesday for $50.”
When the suspects caught wind of the police search, they returned the 5’3″ cardboard Jesus to the store with hat-in-hand.
Nick Saban’s stolen cardboard cutout has been returned to the convenience store from which it was taken and the men who took it have apologized, according to the owner.
The cutout was returned at approximately 4:30 p.m., said Jay Rupani, owner of the BP Station on the University Strip.
It appears no charges have been filed.
“I’m glad to have it back,” Rupani said. “This is our pride — it’s Nick Saban.” You’re goddamn right it is, Rupani. Throw out the details in this story. Yeah, so Rupani could have contacted his Coca-Cola rep and asked for a new cutout, for free. And yeah, these Bama students meant essentially zero harm by sneaking Uncle Nick out the door, but people, this is a 5’1″ Nick Saban lifesize cutout. It is to be revered.
The power pointing, Coke-wielding Nicktator was returned unharmed. Alabama residents can sleep well again.